U.S. Trade Talks? More Like U.S. *Bored* Talks! Top Official Bails!

Seriously? This is News?

Ugh fine. Someone told me I HAVE to report on this… "news." Apparently some guy named Scott Bessent a U.S. Treasury Secretary or something equally snooze worthy is ditching trade talks with China. Why? He's gotta yap at Congress. You know the folks who probably wear matching socks. Seriously Congress? Someone get me a rocket launcher; I need to liven things up!

Bureaucracy is My Trigger Word

So Bessent bails but don't worry two other suits Howard Lutnick and Jamieson Greer are sticking around in London. They're gonna keep jawing with the Chinese delegation. Lutnick apparently said they were "trying to finish" by Tuesday evening. Trying to finish WHAT? Their nap? Someone get me a caffeine drip... or maybe a small tactical nuke.

"Productive?" More Like Counterproductive!

Bessent even had the nerve to say the talks were "productive." Productive?! Did they accidentally invent a new flavor of tea? Did they learn a new type of knot? Because last time I checked productive means something EXPLODED. Clearly their definition needs adjusting. Preferably with dynamite.

Rare Earths? More Like Rare Snore!

Apparently this whole thing is about easing U.S. controls on exports to China in exchange for Beijing freeing up its export of…wait for it… *rare earths*. Oh. My. Gosh. Rare earths?! That's what they are arguing about? I'd rather be chased by Vi through the streets of Piltover with a Super Mega Death Rocket! Someone wake me up when something actually interesting happens! Like I don't know a giant robot battle!

Diplomacy? More Like DIPLOMACRAP!

Disputes over these so called 'rare earths' and export controls apparently caused some tariff reductions after talks in Geneva. Tariffs? Reductions? Sounds like someone's trying to bore me to death! I bet Caitlyn is behind this! It feels like one of her traps. A really really boring trap! I prefer my traps with more…boom.

Blah Blah Blah... Zzzzzz...

The Chinese delegation includes Vice Premier He Lifeng Commerce Minister Wang Wentao and Li Chenggang. Who cares? Wake me up when they start throwing grenades or something! Seriously all this trade talk is giving me a headache. I need a sugar rush and a serious demolition project stat! I'm gonna go paint Pow Pow pink and blow up some traffic cones! This is Jinx signing off before I fall asleep at the wheel!