Retirement Funds Dropping Faster Than My Sanity! (Or Maybe Not?)

Kaboom! Balances Take a Dive

Alright you Powder Monkeys! Jinx here ready to drop some truth bombs. So apparently those boring 'retirement' accounts everyone keeps yammering about? Yeah they took a nosedive. Fidelity says the average 401(k) dipped 3% to $127,100 and IRAs went down 4% to $121,983. Down down down! Like my rockets when they miss a target… which NEVER happens! HA! But hey at least they're still higher than last year. So uh small victories I guess? Maybe?

Saving? You Mean Hoarding Shiny Things?

Turns out even with the market doing the jitterbug people are STILL throwing money at these things! Fidelity says the average 401(k) contribution rate is up to 14.3%. They WANT you to save 15%? What are they squirrels? I'd rather spend it all on rockets and paint! But fine whatever floats your goat I guess. "This approach will help individuals weather any type of market turmoil and stay on track," says some Fidelity suit. Sounds boring but hey less panicking = more time for mayhem!

Trump's Trade Wars: More Explosive Than My Bombs!

Oh and guess what? All this market madness started when some dude named Trump started slapping tariffs on everything! Trade wars with Europe and China? Sounds like a REALLY bad idea. It caused some "worst trading days" since the whole COVID craziness. Seriously can't anyone just get along? Oh wait I forgot where I was CHAOS!!!

But Wait! A Market Miracle!

Hold on a second! Turns out the markets are bouncing back! The Dow Jones is kinda flat but the Nasdaq and S&P are up a bit. Woo hoo! Maybe I should invest in… uh… glitter bombs? They’re bound to be popular right? This is like when you think you're out of ammo but then find one last rocket in your pocket! BOOM!

Long Term? More Like FOREVER!

Some smarty pants at Fidelity named Mike Shamrell says not to freak out about the market's mood swings or “not get too unnerved by market swings”. He says even if you're old as dirt you should still think 10 20 years ahead. I can't even plan what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow! But whatever 'have a long term strategy and not a short term reaction' blablabla.

Timing the Market? More Like Timing a Rocket… Badly!

Another 'expert' (eye roll) says trying to time the market is a BAD IDEA. Apparently sticking with it is better. They say the best trading days happen during recessions. Who knew? And the S&P 500 has an average return of over 10% over the decades. So basically just bet on stocks going up? Got it! I'm gonna go bet on Fishbones hitting a bullseye… blindfolded! "Really you should just be betting on equities rising over time," some guy named Baumgarten says. Maybe he’s right maybe he’s boring… I’ll decide later!