Oracle's Numbers Go BOOM! Even Bigger Than My Rockets!

Ka Ching! Numbers Go Up!

Okay so these boring number people in suits right? They were all like 'Oracle's gonna make THIS much money!' And Oracle was all 'HA! Sike! We made THIS much MORE!' *Jinx scribbles furiously with a crayon on a whiteboard*. Their shares went up 8%! That's like almost as exciting as blowing up a chem tank! Almost. They beat the 'estimates' whatever those are. Probably something to do with taxes which are lame. But the important thing is...MORE MONEY!

Cloudy With a Chance of... Profits!

Apparently Oracle's been playing in the clouds. Not like actual fluffy clouds (boring!) but the 'cloud infrastructure'. And guess what? It's making them BANK! Revenue jumped 11%! I bet even Vi couldn't punch that number down! They say it's gonna grow even FASTER in 2026. That’s like a billion years from now... but still! Boom goes the cloud!

Safra's Secret Sauce (Probably Not Explosives)

This lady named Safra Catz (sounds like a brand of cat food) says they're gonna make like a GAZILLION dollars in 2026. Okay fine $67 billion. But still! That's enough to buy like a million rockets! (Give or take). And by 2029 they're aiming for over $104 billion! I bet they aren’t even going to share with me… *sigh*.

Partnerships? More Like… Targets!

Oracle's making friends! Or... 'partnerships,' as the suits say. They’re teaming up with hospitals AI companies and even IBM! Sounds like a party! A party… I could CRASH! (With confetti cannons obviously.) Temu is apparently moving stuff to Oracle’s cloud. More like they are giving Oracle free stuff. Larry Ellison (who sounds like a cool grandpa) says everyone wants more cloud thingies. Demand so high it’s Insatiable! If someone is insatiable I am sure Fishbones is too.

Spending Sprees and Sparkly New Toys!

They're dropping serious cash on uh 'capital expenditures'. That's boring suit speak for 'shiny new toys' right? Over $21 billion this year and gonna spend even MORE next year! All this is boring but I am sure it has something to do with explosions. Who needs rules when you got dynamite?

One Client to Rule Them All!

This Larry guy said some mystery client ordered ALL their cloud capacity! Like EVERYTHING! They had to scramble to give them what they needed. Serves them right for hogging all the boom boom juice! Makes me wonder who it is and what they're planning... Maybe they're building a GIANT ROBOT! *Jinx starts sketching furiously adding rockets to a robot design.*