Has Trump Lost His Mind?? Trade War Tactics Questioned by Top National Security Expert!

False! False! False Premise!

As Assistant Regional Manager (in training) I Dwight K. Schrute take matters of national security and global trade very seriously. Especially when it involves BEETS! So when I heard about this so called 'trade war' and the utter chaos it's causing I knew I had to get to the bottom of it. Turns out this John Bolton character a supposed 'national security advisor,' is flapping his gums about President Trump's tactics. He claims Trump's tariffs are hitting our friends harder than our enemies. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Friends. Enemies. Tariffs. It's all connected!

The Root of all Evil!

Bolton in an interview with CNBC (a reliable news source I assume though not as reliable as the Volunteer Fire Department blotter) claims Trump is treating our allies like farm animals and the US is crippling our ability to deal with China. He suggests we should be holding hands and singing kumbaya with Japan Korea and even…*shudders*…France! Well I say poppycock! As Sun Tzu said in *The Art of War* ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ But what Sun Tzu *didn't* say is keep your beets closer than both!

Liberation Day Disaster?

This whole thing started on what Trump called 'Liberation Day,' but it sounds more like 'National Embarrassment Day' to me. Apparently he slapped tariffs on everyone based on some calculation that would make even Michael Scott blush. I mean the man once tried to negotiate a raise by comparing himself to a baby! Economists are calling it nonsensical. NONSENSE! Is there no respect for the ancient ways? The ways of the beet farmer? The ways of fiscal responsibility?

Tit for Tat or Tat for Tit?

So Trump puts a 10% tax on everything and then gets into a slapping match with China increasing the levies until it is now at 145% on Chinese imports while China is at 125%. It's like a beet eating contest where everyone ends up with beet juice everywhere! This Bolton fellow claims China is building allies while Trump is shredding our credibility like Michael Scott shredding personnel files! Disaster! Utter disaster!

China's Charm Offensive? More like Propaganda Offensive!

Now China's President Xi Jinping is supposedly going on a 'charm offensive' through Southeast Asia. Charm offensive? More like a propaganda offensive! They are trying to undermine the US and Bolton says Trump is letting it happen! What we need is a good old fashioned beet based deterrent. I propose we send a shipment of Schrute Farms' finest beets to every country in the world. That'll show them who's boss! No need for love love hurts...unless it's beet love!

Schrute Solutions!

The truth is this whole situation is a mess. A big stinky mess! But don't worry loyal readers Dwight K. Schrute is here to save the day. My solution? Simple. More beets. More tariffs on countries that don't appreciate beets. And a mandatory screening of *Threat Level Midnight* for all world leaders. That'll set things straight! After all in the words of Michael Scarn “If doing the Scarn is gay then I’m the biggest queer on earth!”