False! Tariff Threat Creates Uncertainty for Big Pharma, Says Pfizer CEO (Beet Juice Sales Unaffected)

Bears. Beets. Bureaucracy.

As Assistant Regional Manager (Assistant *to* the Regional Manager) I Dwight K. Schrute must weigh in on this pressing matter. Pfizer a purveyor of... pharmaceuticals (not beets) is claiming that potential tariffs by President Trump are causing them to hesitate on investing in the good ol' US of A. I say *false!* The real problem is a lack of beet based products. Everyone knows beets are the key to a strong economy. Bears eat beets.

The Global Minimum Tax: A Schrute Farms Perspective

This so called 'global minimum tax of around 15%' is frankly an insult to hard working Americans like myself. At Schrute Farms we pay our taxes... in beets! (And occasionally actual currency). Bourla claims this tax situation isn't making the U.S. more attractive. Has he considered the allure of fresh grown Pennsylvania beets? I think not.

Trump's Tax Cuts: More Appealing Than Mose's Scarecrow?

Apparently a further decrease in taxes would be a 'strong incentive' for manufacturing in the U.S. according to Bourla. Well I'll tell you what's a strong incentive: a well maintained beet farm a loyal employee like myself and maybe even a scarecrow that's *slightly* less terrifying than Mose's. But the tax cut could help.

A Tariff By Any Other Name...

Pfizer in their infinite (and pharmaceutical laden) wisdom hasn't revised their full year outlook. They claim they can't 'predict' future tariffs. I Dwight K. Schrute am a volunteer sheriff's deputy and I can predict that if you don't plant beets you won't harvest beets! The same principle applies to tariffs: inaction leads to economic blight.

$150 Million? That's A Lot of Schrute Bucks!

Pfizer's already factored in $150 million in costs from *existing* tariffs! That's enough to buy a lifetime supply of beet seeds! Or several years' worth of paper for Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Still Pfizer says they're trending to the top end of their guidance. This is all very perplexing. Like trying to understand Michael's management style.

The Dwight Schrute Solution: Beet Juice and Bravery

Ultimately the solution is clear: more beets less uncertainty. President Trump if you're reading this (and I'm sure you are as you appreciate a strong decisive leader) consider the power of the beet! Incentivize beet production! Subsidize beet juice! And above all remember the words of Sun Tzu: 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer... and offer them a refreshing glass of beet juice.'