Beets, Bears, Robotaxis: Dwight Schrute's Take on Tesla's Austin Invasion!

False. Robotaxis are not Beets!

As Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton and more importantly a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I Dwight K. Schrute am uniquely qualified to assess this situation. Elon Musk a man who clearly understands the value of hard work and innovation (unlike that malingering Michael Scott) plans to unleash his driverless robotaxis upon Austin Texas. Tentatively this is scheduled for June 22nd which is a date that will live in infamy... or possibly just a minor inconvenience for those who prefer horse drawn carriages. But FALSE. Robotaxis are not beets. Beets are grown in the ground. Robotaxis are grown in a factory using metal wires and the tears of underpaid engineers.

Full Self Driving? More Like Full Self Deception!

Musk claims these vehicles will have 'Full Self Driving' (FSD) capabilities. Full Self Driving? I am a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and I can hardly drive myself after sampling Kevin's famous chili so I am pretty sure these machines will not drive well. Remember what happened when Michael drove into that lake? Exactly. But Musk is starting with a limited rollout of only 10 20 Model Ys geofenced and remotely monitored. It's like a controlled experiment but with potentially lethal consequences for any unsuspecting pedestrians.

Bears. Beets. Robotaxi Protests.

Of course not everyone is thrilled. A gaggle of protestors led by a group called 'The Dawn Project' and other anti Musk rabble rousers plan to descend upon Austin like a swarm of locusts decrying the safety of Tesla's vehicles. They'll be waving signs chanting slogans and generally disrupting the natural order of things. Apparently these protestors do not know identity theft is not a joke millions of families suffer every year!

Safety First Safety Always... Unless There's a Sale on Paper!

Musk assures everyone that Tesla is being 'super paranoid about safety.' Good. Paranoia is the key to preparedness. As Sun Tzu said 'Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.' And in this case consider every pedestrian a potential enemy at least until proven otherwise. He also said that if you love something set it free. Unless it's a tiger.

The Scranton Strangler vs. Robotaxi Danger!

Let's be honest the biggest threat to Austin isn't robotaxis but rather someone like the Scranton Strangler. At least a robotaxi will stop at a red light unlike that maniac. Although I must admit the idea of a robotaxi programmed to deliver swift justice is... intriguing.

Dwight's Robotaxi Future!

Someday I Dwight K. Schrute will be the one programming these robotaxis. They will be programmed to recognize threats deliver beets and play polka music at ear splitting volumes. And of course they will all be painted a sensible yet powerful shade of brown. Because that's what she said.