UnitedHealth Group Gets Neuralyzed...By the DOJ?!

Is This Reality? Or Am I Wearing the Edgar Suit?

Alright people Agent J here reporting live from the front lines of... well whatever this is. Apparently UnitedHealth Group one of the big kahunas in the health biz is having a REALLY bad week. Word on the street – or rather in The Wall Street Journal – is that the Department of Justice is poking around their Medicare Advantage program. Criminal investigation they're saying. Now I deal with aliens trying to conquer the planet on a Tuesday so Medicare fraud? Sounds like a walk in the park right? Wrong. This stuff is always messier than a Zed after a sugar rush.

Bad News Travels Faster Than a Wormhole

So the DOJ is sniffing around and UnitedHealth's stock is doing a nosedive faster than a rookie agent trying to use a neuralyzer for the first time. Down 18%? Ouch. That's gotta hurt even for a company that probably has more money than Zorp has tentacles. They're saying they haven't been notified of any probe and that the reporting is "deeply irresponsible." Right. And I'm really just a humble exterminator from Brooklyn. Sure.

Deja Vu All Over Again...With Federal Probes

And get this this ain't even the first time this year they've been under the feds' magnifying glass. Back in February there was another investigation about them maybe inflating diagnoses to get extra cheddar from Medicare. Seriously guys? You're playing with fire here. You know what they say 'There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser or a disruptor beam or a probe... or something.' In this case it's the DOJ.

Executive Shuffle: A Convenient Time for a Vacation?

Oh and did I mention their CEO Andrew Witty just dipped out? Surprise! He's being replaced by the old boss Stephen Hemsley. Now I'm not saying anything shady is going on but when a CEO bolts right before the heat gets turned up it smells fishier than a Cephalapoid's apartment. Maybe he decided to take a permanent vacation to a galaxy far far away. Smart move if you ask me.

Market Cap Meltdown: More Than Just a Bad Hair Day

The numbers are ugly folks. UnitedHealth Group has shed over $300 billion of its $600 billion market cap in just one month. That's more money than I've seen in my entire career... and I've seen a lot of money get vaporized by alien weaponry. One analyst even thinks they might get kicked out of the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Talk about a cosmic kick in the pants! 'A person is smart. People are dumb panicky dangerous animals and big organizations are even worse.'

Cyberattacks and CEO Murders? Just Another Tuesday

As if all that wasn't enough UnitedHealth also had to deal with a massive cyberattack higher than expected medical costs and the aftermath of their UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson's murder. I'm telling you this year's been a bigger mess than a MIB breakroom after a particularly rough alien encounter. Maybe they need a neuralyzer not for the public but for themselves just to forget this whole year ever happened. "If you don't like it change it. If you can't change it deal with it."