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Genetic testing firm 23andMe is pulling out of Nasdaq after a buyout by Regeneron, marking a sad end to its once-promising journey. image

23andGONE: From Witcher's Brew to Bankruptcy Stew!

Tue 27 May, 2025 19:05
3 minutes to read

Mr. Burns dissects the treacherous world of bond yields, currency valuations, and potential economic doom, offering insights only a man of his caliber can provide. image

Excellent! Bond Yields and Global Domination: A Burnsian Perspective

Tue 27 May, 2025 19:21
3 minutes to read

Okta's earnings beat expectations, but investors are still feeling the 'doh!' moment as the stock takes a nosedive. Uncertainty? More like a 'cowabunga' into the unknown! image

Eat My Shorts, Okta! Stock Plummets Despite "Excellent" Earnings

Tue 27 May, 2025 20:24
2 minutes to read

Captain Jack Sparrow reports on how Disney's 'Lilo & Stitch' remake has Wall Street singing a pirate's tune, with Jim Cramer predicting a treasure trove for investors. image

Shiver Me Timbers! Disney Stock Set to Soar Higher Than the Black Pearl!

Tue 27 May, 2025 17:10
3 minutes to read

Pharma giant Eli Lilly buys SiteOne Therapeutics for $1 billion, bolstering its non-opioid painkiller arsenal, and Chuck Norris couldn't be prouder. image

Chuck Norris Approves: Eli Lilly Delivers a Roundhouse Kick to Opioid Addiction!

Tue 27 May, 2025 16:38
2 minutes to read

Eli Lilly snags SiteOne Therapeutics for a cool billion, hoping to cook up some non-addictive pain relief and maybe, just maybe, save humanity from itself...again. image

Good News, Meatbags! Lilly Buys Pain Relief That Won't Turn You Into a Bender!

Tue 27 May, 2025 16:38
3 minutes to read

A look at Axon Enterprise's vision for technology-driven policing, blending non-lethal solutions, AI, and ethical considerations in a world that needs more than just 'sentient' justice. image

Axon's Reality Check: Beyond 'Demolition Man' and Into the Future of Law Enforcement

Tue 27 May, 2025 17:00
2 minutes to read

Trump threatens to pull federal funding from California over transgender athletes in women's sports. Time to kick some gum and chew ass! image

Trump to California: Hail to the King, Baby, or No Federal Funding!

Tue 27 May, 2025 16:32
2 minutes to read

Walmart faces consequences for allowing third-party sellers to ship realistic toy guns to New York, violating state law and raising safety concerns. image

Winter is NOT Coming: Walmart's Toy Gun Fumble in New York!

Tue 27 May, 2025 18:20
3 minutes to read

Movie theater stocks surge as a record-breaking Memorial Day Weekend box office signals a triumphant return to theatrical dominance, conveniently aligning with our strategic narrative. image

The Great Reset Button on Hollywood? A Blockbuster Memorial Day Weekend Signals a New Era of Entertainment Control

Tue 27 May, 2025 16:38
3 minutes to read