Good News Everyone! The Stock Market is Only Mostly Dead!

A Stock Market? What's a Stock Market?

Good news everyone! It seems those fiddlesticks we call 'technology stocks' are attempting a comeback a veritable Lazarus routine after last week's little… incident. You know the one where they plummeted faster than Leela's driving skills! Apparently President… what's his name again? Trump? Yes that sounds right. He's standing firm on his tariffs. A bold strategy Cotton let's see if it pays off for him.

Magnificent Seven? More Like the Miserable Seven!

The 'Magnificent Seven,' as they're called had a rough time. Tesla nose dived faster than Hermes Conrad facing a limbo contest. Nvidia Apple Meta Platforms Amazon Microsoft Alphabet all wobbled like a bowl full of jello. It's enough to make a scientist reach for his Slurm! The whole sector is coming off a week so brutal it makes a Bender bender look tame.

One Point Eight Trillion Dollars!?!

I nearly choked on my Geritol when I heard this. These companies collectively shed more than $1.8 trillion in market value! That's enough money to buy a whole lot of dark matter or perhaps a decent used spaceship. The Nasdaq entered a 'bear market,' which I assume means bears are finally investing. Smart bears!

Tariffs Ahoy! (And Not the Good Kind)

Trump (I think that's his name) is sticking to his aggressive tariff plans an initial 10% tariff. Corporate America is in an uproar. JPMorgan Chase's CEO Jamie Dimon (not to be confused with the tasty snack from Omicron Persei 8) is saying prices will go up! Car companies are pausing shipments. This could be worse than the time I accidentally invented the Smell O Scope!

Medicine? More Like Poison!

Trump said 'Sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something.' Oh that's rich! This is less medicine and more like a giant suppository of bad ideas! Other tech stocks are suffering too. Oracle Palantir semiconductor companies… everyone's feeling the burn. It's enough to make you say 'Good news everyone! We're all doomed!'

Demand Destruction? Sounds Explosive!

There's talk of 'demand destruction,' stemming from these tariffs. AMD and Intel are struggling. The whole thing reminds me of that time I tried to invent a self folding laundry machine that ended up collapsing the space time continuum. On the other hand who is up for a nice game of Farnsworth Paraboxes?