Good News Everyone! Shaq O'Neal Pays Up in FTX Crypto Calamity!

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub Another Fine Mess!

Good news everyone! It seems Shaquille O'Neal the towering titan of the basketball court has found himself in a bit of a pickle... or perhaps a giant olive considering his size. He's agreed to fork over $1.8 million to settle claims that he hoodwinked investors by shilling that now defunct crypto exchange FTX. Apparently urging fans to 'trust' FTX wasn't the slam dunk he thought it would be. Oh dear oh dear oh dear!

Sweet Zombie Jesus A Class Action Suit!

Now a class action lawsuit accused O'Neal of portraying FTX as a paragon of virtue and investment legitimacy – especially at those live events and on the interwebs! This helped push a lot of unregistered securities so they claim. The class includes anyone who tossed their hard earned Earth dollars into FTX or held its proprietary token FTT between May 2019 and late 2022. To them I would say: Why not Zoidberg? At least he is consistenly poor.

To Shreds You Say?

If the judge gives the nod Shaq's $1.8 million will cover all the legal wrangling administration costs and payouts to the shall we say 'less fortunate' investors. It also includes a sweeping release from future liability and stops him from trying to claw back money from the FTX bankruptcy. In other words his check is as final as my decision to continue inventing dangerous doomsday devices.

I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore!

Unlike those other celebrity shills – Tom Brady Gisele Bündchen and that Steph Curry fella – whose cases were mostly tossed out Shaq remained ensnared. Apparently serving him those pesky legal papers was harder than inventing the Smell O Scope 2.0... I haven't quite worked out the kinks yet smell you later!

Silence! I Must Operate!

According to Front Office Sports Shaq recently inked a $15 million deal to remain with TNT's 'Inside the NBA.' So at least he's not completely destitute like some of my interns after a particularly explosive experiment. He told CNBC back in 2022 that he was "just a paid spokesperson for a commercial" regarding FTX. 'Just' a spokesperson? Ha! That's like saying I'm 'just' a harmless old inventor with a penchant for creating universe ending contraptions.

Good News Everyone!

In earlier interviews Shaq admitted he was actively avoiding cryptocurrency. "I don't understand it so I will probably stay away from it until I get a full understanding of what it is," he said. 'Too good to be true,' he added. Clearly even Shaq recognized the inherent dangers of unregulated markets. This is a lesson for us all. Now if you'll excuse me I have a new invention to test: the Quantum Entanglement Hair Dryer! What could possibly go wrong?