Good News Everyone! Apple's Doomed by Tariffs!?

Sweet Zombie Jesus Tariffs!

Good news everyone! Or perhaps not so good especially if you're a shiny Apple product. It appears that the current pause on tariffs while a temporary reprieve for some has left our fruity friends in quite the pickle. You see Apple much like my lab's dependence on dark matter is heavily reliant on China for its bits and bobs. And with tariffs on Chinese goods reaching a staggering 145% it seems Apple is about to feel the sting of economic… stinginess! As they say 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore!'

A Boat Flipped Over!?

Dan Ives a fellow egghead over at Wedbush Securities says Apple's 'boat has been flipped over in the ocean with no life rafts.' A rather colorful metaphor if I do say so myself! They've been diversifying their supply chain like I diversify my experiments (some explode some create life some just smell funny) but the Omdia folks say nearly 80% of iPhones shipped to the U.S. last year came from China. That's a whole lotta iPhones! Looks like someone needs to invent the Smell O Scope 2.0 and sniff out some alternative manufacturing locations eh?

85% Price Hike? Bite My Glossy Metal Apple!

Omdia estimates that to maintain their margins Apple might have to increase prices by around 85%! 85%!! That's enough to make even Bender shout 'Bite my shiny metal… iPhone!' Le Xuan Chiew (I assume that's a person and not a new type of circuit) said that while a 54% tariff was 'serious but manageable,' the current tariffs would make raising prices a financial catastrophe. It would be the equivalent of trying to sell doomsday devices door to door. Good news everyone!

India: The New iPhone Frontier!?

Rumor has it that Apple shipped 600 tons of iPhones from India before these tariffs kicked in. That's like me stockpiling enough Slurm to last until the heat death of the universe! This stockpile however is just a temporary measure. Apple's long term plan seems to involve turning India into the new iPhone manufacturing mecca. It will take one or two years to ramp up production in India to satisfy demand according to those Omdia folks. Also even India may not be safe from the cold tariffs!

Begging for Exemptions!?

It seems Apple's best bet may be to go hat in hand to the Trump administration and ask for an exemption. They got one before so maybe they can pull a rabbit out of their… charging port again? Daniel Newman thinks Apple's $500 billion investment in the U.S. might give them some leverage. If they can make a deal great! If they can't then back to the drawing board or in my case the blackboard filled with equations that would make even a supercomputer weep. WEEP I SAY!

Made in the U.S.A.? Oh the Humanity!

Trump seems to think Apple can just start making iPhones right here in the good ol' U.S.A.! Silly Rabbit! Ives predicts an American made iPhone would cost $3,500! That's enough to buy a decent used time machine! Even if they get a tariff exemption Craig Moffett says a 10% baseline tariff would still be a challenge. Looks like Apple is stuck between a rock and a hard place... or a tariff and a supply chain! Oh well. Time to invent the next generation of useless gadgets! To infinity and beyond... wait wrong franchise!