Boy! Uber's New Ride Features: Affordable or Just Another Deception?

Hmph. More Games from the Charioteer.

Uber the modern chariot service unveils new schemes they call 'features.' Route sharing discounted passes and promises of self driving chariots. They speak of affordability. I smell desperation. Remember boy 'We must be better than this!' But will they? Or will they simply line their pockets with more of your coin?

Shared Suffering: The Route Share Deception

They propose sharing a chariot with strangers. Cramped quarters unfamiliar smells… It sounds like the Underworld itself! They dangle the promise of saving coin up to 50% they claim. But is this truly freedom or merely a gilded cage? Would you trade your dignity for a few measly coins? 'Do not mistake my silence for lack of an opinion.' I find this proposal insulting.

Price Lock: Trapped in Their Web

$2.99 a month to lock in a price for an hour? It seems they seek to control even the very air you breathe! They call it 'avoiding surge pricing,' I call it extortion with a smile. 'Control your rage,' they say. But how can one remain calm when faced with such blatant manipulation? Thirty days or fifty dollars saved. A paltry sum for such a compromise.

Autonomous Chariots: A Fool's Errand?

Self driving chariots they say are the future. Mark my words boy. Machines will fail. They lack the instinct the grit the sheer bloody mindedness of a warrior. They speak of testing of launching in Los Angeles in 2026. I foresee only chaos and broken metal. 'The cycle ends here.' Or does it simply evolve into a new form of madness?

UberOne: A Cult of Consumption

They mimic Amazon with their UberOne 'member days.' Discounts special offers the siren song of consumerism. Fifty percent off shared rides twenty percent off… darker chariots? It is a web designed to ensnare the weak. Do not succumb boy. Remember true strength lies not in acquisition but in self reliance. 'The gods did not create me. *I* created myself.'

Broken Promises and Empty Seats

They speak of partnerships of UberEats joining forces with… OneTable? Reservations and rides discounts and points. More distractions. More opportunities to bleed you dry. Mark my words the gods may be dead but greed lives on. They promised greatness. All I see are more victims lining up for a ride to their own destruction.