Good News Everyone! Small Businesses Are Officially Having a Vibecession!

The Vibe is Off! Off I Say!

Good news everyone! It seems that a significant portion of the small business population is experiencing what those young whippersnappers are calling a "vibecession." Yes even the backbone of our economy is feeling less like titanium and more like… well a slightly dented femursponge! My latest calculations involving copious amounts of dark matter and a dash of Slurm confirm that these sentiments are indeed resonating with those who run the little shops and stalls that make our civilization such as it is function. As I always say: 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore!' unless of course they start lowering taxes and remove all regulations!?

Wall Street? More Like Walled Off!

This so called stock market rally driven by chips and whatnot – honestly I used to use chips to power my atomic super shed! – has left these industrious entrepreneurs in the dust. A whopping 64% claim they've seen no benefit from these Wall Street shenanigans. It appears that Wall Street's success doesn't affect them at all! Is like a black hole no matter what you do your money always ends up in the same place! I warned you! Didn't I warn you? 'No matter how clever you are you can't outsmart your own stupidity!'

Inflation! The Silent Killer (of Profits)!

Inflation that sneaky bugger remains a top concern. Just when these poor souls started feeling a sliver of hope the government reports prices rising again! Their confidence in the Federal Reserve – who let's be honest probably use abacuses and carrier pigeons for monetary policy – has plummeted faster than Hermes Conrad running from a snake. I would rather trust Zoidberg with my finances than trust the Fed. The Fed? Why not Zoidberg?

Policies? More Like… Poli Seas!

It seems that the policies of today favor big business as it usually does! It's no wonder that 73% of small business owners feel like the system is rigged against them. And get this both Republicans and Democrats largely agree on this point! It's rarer than a sober Bender at a robot strip club. The system only thinks on the big conglomerates and they are making us feel like Leela after an accident!

A Voice? What's a Voice?!

An overwhelming majority (86%) feel like they have little to no say in business policy making. Again this sentiment is shared across party lines. Even though small businesses comprise 99% of all businesses in the United States their voices are drowned out by the megaphones of corporate giants. Small businesses are the fuel that makes the engine run but nobody seems to notice or even care about it!

So What Does This Mean? Back to the Lab!

Frankly it's a bit of a mess. The small business owners are having a hard time and nobody seems to notice or even care about their struggle! These findings underscore the need for policymakers to for once listen to the concerns of these crucial economic players. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go back to my lab. I'm working on a device that will allow me to experience other people's vibecessions. For science! To shreds you say? Well how is his wife holding up? To shreds you say?