Starbucks' Back-to-Hogwarts Strategy: More Seats, More Magic, More...Assistant Managers?

The Dark Lord of Dull Coffee?

Right so news from the Muggle world – specifically a place called Starbucks. Apparently this 'Brian Niccol' chap the new Head Auror—sorry CEO—is trying to 'bring the company back to Starbucks.' Sounds like someone's been hitting the Firewhisky a bit too hard doesn't it? I mean what does that even *mean*? Is Starbucks lost in the Forbidden Forest? Did someone confund it? It's all rather…barmy. Though I’d rather face Voldemort again than drink another pumpkin spice latte. Seriously what IS that stuff?

A Very Important Chair (and Co CEO of Ariel Investments): Mellody Hobson

Now listen to this there's a turnover of positions and responsibilities. Apparently Mellody Hobson is stepping down as chairperson and giving the position to Niccol. The CEO credits her with luring him to Starbucks but everyone should remember the importance of this position. After all even Ron gets sentimental with his Hogwarts robes because of the memories they hold and I believe it's the same with those positions!

The Wifi Password is BACKTOSTARBUCKS?!

They are talking about a strategy involving marketing staffing and even…*shudders*…the mobile app. And get this – the wifi password was 'backtostarbucks!' Honestly it sounds like something Ron would come up with after accidentally enchanting his keyboard. I can almost hear Hermione now saying 'Honestly Ronald you need to be more careful with your spells...and your passwords!' Though I must admit even I’m tempted to try a bit of Engorgement Charm on their café seating situation. 30,000 seats removed? Merlin's beard! Where are people supposed to loiter while pretending to work on their self insert Harry Potter fanfiction?

Assistant Managers: The New Defense Against the Dark Arts?

They're actually adding an *assistant manager* to most North American stores. An Assistant Manager can you believe it? Sounds a bit like they're trying to create a whole army of Percy Weasleys! But on a serious note it actually makes sense if it stops people from feeling burdened and tired. Even Hermione needs a break from S.P.E.W. sometimes you know? I can almost see the Starbucks employees now chanting 'We are the leaders of Starbucks. Our focus on the customer is critical.'

Schultz's Stamp of Approval (or the Ghost of Coffee Past?)

And then there's this bloke Howard Schultz. Apparently he’s like the Dumbledore of Starbucks – always popping up with words of wisdom even though he's supposed to be retired. They say he's given Niccol his 'stamp of approval' whatever that means. He even did a cartwheel so I guess he's as mad as everyone else. It all sounds a bit like Snape still lurking in the dungeons doesn't it? You just can't quite shake him off. Though to be fair Schultz telling everyone to 'be true to the coffee' does sound like something Dumbledore would say about butterbeer.

From Sluggish Sales to...a Tidal Wave of Coffee?

So there you have it. Starbucks is trying to become…well Starbucks again. More seats happier employees and hopefully less pumpkin spice. Will it work? Only time will tell. But if they start offering Butterbeer I might just pop over for a visit. Just imagine Ron’s face if he saw a Frappuccino. 'Blimey Harry that's mental!' Though I daresay Hermione would approve of the internal promotion schemes. After all she always did have a soft spot for a good career trajectory.