A New Handheld Rises: Xbox Joins the Portable Gaming Rebellion!

The Empire Strikes... a New Deal!

The Force is strong with this one! Or perhaps it's just Microsoft finally realizing that staying tethered to a console is as limiting as being trapped in a meditation chamber. News has reached my ears of a new alliance – Microsoft and ASUS have joined forces to unleash a handheld Xbox upon the galaxy... I mean world. A handheld Xbox you say? It is… acceptable.

No Longer Will I Be Confined! (To My Gaming Chair)

For too long I have been forced to sit stationary plotting the downfall of the Rebellion from the confines of my command chair. Now with this ROG Xbox Ally I can conquer new worlds… while waiting in line at the spaceport! The ability to access Xbox games and stream content on the go? Excellent. A worthy addition to my collection of instruments of power.

Cloud Gaming: The Dark Side is Strong With This One

Built in support for cloud gaming? Intriguing. Perhaps this is how we will finally crush the rebels – by beaming our propaganda directly into their pockets while they foolishly believe they are merely playing games. Cloud gaming the ultimate weapon of mass distraction! The Emperor will be most pleased. Or perhaps not that old prune is hard to read.

An Approachable Experience? More Like... An Approachable Conquest!

Microsoft claims an "approachable gaming experience." I find that prospect... disturbing. What is the point of total galactic domination if it isn't difficult? Still it is a small price to pay for the ability to play my favorite games anywhere. Besides I can always make it less approachable by force choking anyone who dares to criticize my high score.

Nintendo Prepare to Be Assimilated!

Ah Nintendo. Always a thorn in the side of progress. They believe their Switch 2 is a match for this new handheld? They underestimate the power of the Dark Side... and the sheer marketing might of Microsoft. This is not the console you are looking for. They will soon learn that resistance is futile. Or at least mildly inconvenient.

The Future is Mobile and the Future is Mine!

This new chapter in portable gaming… it is a path to many abilities some consider to be… unnatural. The ability to game anywhere anytime? The ability to stream content on the move? The ability to finally defeat my enemies while stuck in hyperspace? Yes this new handheld is a harbinger of great things. Now if you'll excuse me I have a galaxy to conquer… one level at a time.