Secretary's Stolen Purse Full of Cash? Time for Some Mayhem!

Awww Did Someone Lose Their Pretty Little Bag?

Okay so word on the street (and by street I mean the internet which is way more fun) is that some Homeland Security lady Kristi Noem had her purse yoinked right out from under her nose! Apparently it happened while she was stuffing her face at some fancy schmancy D.C. restaurant. Seriously though who brings THAT much cash anywhere? Talk about asking for trouble! It's like waving a giant 'Come Steal Me!' flag. But hey more boom for me. Wait that's not right.

Ka Ching! What Was Inside?

Inside the stolen loot bag? Oh just a casual $3,000! Sheesh talk about living large! Apparently it was for spoiling her family with dinner and Easter treats. Besides the moolah she also had important things like her passport make up keys and medicine. I bet it was really ugly make up. I wonder if she even knows how to use it. Powder is pretty important if you want to look your best.

Masked Bandit? Sounds Like My Kind of Party!

The Secret Service is all up in arms sniffing around for clues. Apparently security footage caught some dude in a medical mask snatching the bag. A medical mask? Seriously? Talk about a lame disguise! I use a shark head much more effective. But hey at least they're adding a little bit of flair to their criminal escapades. Next time call me I'll help you set the stage.

Secret Service Shenanigans!

Ohhh the Secret Service is involved? Now things are getting interesting! Maybe they'll bring out the big guns! (Please please please!) I bet they're running around like headless chickens trying to figure out who dared to mess with one of their own. Too bad they couldn't protect a simple purse maybe I should teach them a thing or two.

The Aftermath: Easter Egg cuses!

When asked about the heist Noem said it's "not resolved yet." No duh! That's kinda the point of stealing stuff isn't it? I hope they catch the thief. I want to learn some new tricks. She told the people at NBC that the Secret Service knows but that she hasn't talked to them. Maybe she's too embarrassed to admit she got outsmarted by some masked bandit.

Stay Tuned for More Mayhem!

So there you have it! A high profile purse snatching in the heart of D.C.! Will the Secret Service catch the culprit? Will Noem ever see her precious makeup again? And most importantly will I get any of that sweet sweet cash? Stay tuned folks because this story is just getting started! You know what they say: Rules are meant to be broken... like buildings! Hahaha!