By Arson's Light! A Dark Deed Uncovered in Albuquerque!

A Shadow Stirred in the Land

Hmph! News reaches me even here in my quiet study of a disturbance in Albuquerque. It seems one Jamison Wagner a man of forty years has found himself in a rather fiery predicament. The long arm of the federal authorities has reached out accusing him of arson against both a Tesla showroom and the Republican Party headquarters. 'Fool of a Took!' I say brandishing fire so carelessly. Did he not think of the consequences? Fire is a tool not a weapon for idle hands.

The Mark of Sauron...or Just Vandalism?

The Tesla showroom it seems was not merely set ablaze but also defaced with words less eloquent than the verses of the Eldar – 'Die Elon,' 'Tesla Nazi Inc,' and 'Die Tesla Nazi' were scrawled upon its walls. And the Republican headquarters? Marked with the phrase 'ICE=KKK.' Such displays of...passion...remind me of the rabble that gathered at the Black Gate. Though I dare say even Orcs have better penmanship. It appears the influence of Mordor is far reaching indeed...or perhaps just the influence of strong opinions poorly expressed.

Not All Who Wander Are Lost...Just Arrested

Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche a name not unlike that of a fair maiden in a forgotten tale declared 'Hurling firebombs is not political protest.' Indeed! It is a foolish endeavor akin to shouting insults at a Balrog and expecting a civil debate. FBI Director Kash Patel a title that echoes the stern protectors of Minas Tirith claims that further attacks were likely prevented. It seems Mr. Wagner's plans were as poorly conceived as Denethor's strategy for Gondor.

A Wizard is Never Late Nor is Evidence!

Surveillance footage a modern Palantír of sorts played its part linking Wagner to these fiery deeds. A search of his home no doubt as untidy as a hobbit's burrow after a party revealed 'substantial evidence,' including 'suspected incendiary devices' and a stencil of that inflammatory phrase. One does not simply walk into arson and it seems Mr. Wagner has tripped and fallen headfirst.

The Shadow Deepens (or Just a Long Sentence)

Wagner now awaits a detention hearing. Should he be found guilty he faces up to twenty years in prison for each count. A harsh sentence even for one who dabbles in pyrotechnics like a certain dragon I know. 'You shall not pass!' will take on a whole new meaning for him I suspect. Tesla and Mr. Musk ever the enigmatic figures have remained silent thus far. Perhaps they are too busy counting their coins or perhaps they simply find the whole affair beneath their notice.

Beware the Fury of a Patient Wizard

Let this be a lesson to all those who would seek to express their displeasure through fire and vandalism. There are better ways to be heard than by setting things ablaze. Channel your anger young ones into something constructive! Write a strongly worded letter start a petition or failing all else bake a batch of lembas bread and share it with your neighbors. At least then you'll have made something useful and not just a bigger mess. Now if you'll excuse me I have a dragon to negotiate with...and I’m quite sure it’s not a Tesla.