UnitedHealth Group? More Like UnitedHealth GOING DOWN! (Heh, Get It?)

Kaboom! Stock Prices Go Bye Bye

Okay okay so apparently UnitedHealth Group (whatever *that* is) had a bit of a *whoopsie*. Their stocks went down more than Vi's patience when I borrow her gauntlets! Eighteen percent you say? Ha! Pathetic! My explosions cause way more damage! Something about a 'criminal investigation' and 'Medicare fraud'? Sounds like a real snoozefest… unless we can blow it up! Then it's party time! Remember rules are meant to be broken... like buildings! And apparently stock prices!

DOJ? More Like the Department of…Jerkbutts!

So these DOJ peeps are poking around UnitedHealth's Medicare Advantage scheme. They're saying something about them possibly inflating diagnoses. Like are they trying to make everyone sound sicker than they are? That's kinda mean even for me! And UnitedHealth is all like 'We didn't do it! It's fake news!' Which is exactly what I would say if I got caught painting Powder Monkey pink. 'Course I'd probably add a 'So what?' at the end. 'Cause you know consequences schmonsequences!

CEO Shuffle: Musical Chairs with Extra Corporate y Stuff

Apparently their big cheese Andrew Witty bounced! And some other dude named Stephen Hemsley is back in charge. Sounds like they're playing musical chairs but with more… suits. And probably less confetti. Which is a crying shame if you ask me. EVERYTHING is better with confetti! Even alleged Medicare fraud. Especially alleged Medicare fraud!

Falling Faster Than a Rocket Powered Minion!

These guys are down almost 50 percent this year! That's even worse than when I tried to give Fishbones a haircut! And get this they've lost over $300 billion! That's enough to buy a whole lot of rockets! And maybe a small country. I'd name it Jinxland obviously. Although Piltover already looks a bit like Jinxland after I’m done with it – BOOM! Hahahaha!

Cyberattacks? More Like Cyber Snore Attacks!

Oh and they got hit with a cyberattack? Yawn! I could do better than that with one hand tied behind my back... while juggling grenades! Honestly if you're gonna cause chaos do it with some style! None of this boring computer stuff. Get out there and paint the town neon pink! That's what I call a proper cyberattack… on reality!

Too Much 'Health' in UnitedHealth? Time for Some… Jinx Care!

So let's recap: Possible Medicare fraud CEO exits plunging stocks and cyberattacks? Sounds like UnitedHealth Group needs a healthy dose of… ME! I’d prescribe them a little bit of mayhem a whole lotta explosions and maybe a visit from Fishbones. That'll fix 'em right up! After all what's the fun in following the rules when you can rewrite them? WITH ROCKETS!