23andMe Goes BOOM! Are Your Secrets About to Be Someone Else's Boom-Boom?!

Kaboom! The News Just Got Jinxed!

Alright meatbags Jinx here! Word on the street is 23andMe the swab and tell company just went belly up! *Giggles*. Turns out playing show and tell with your insides isn't always sunshine and rainbows. They're filing for what now? Bank rupt sea? *Laughs hysterically*. Sounds like a good time to blow something up! People are losing their minds screaming about deleting their DNA. Like that'll actually do anything. 'Rules are meant to be broken!'... especially when they involve your personal info!

Delete Delete DEL EETE! (But Does It Even Matter?)

Everyone's panicking clicking 'delete data' like it's gonna magically erase their entire existence. *Snorts*. News flash: once it's on the internet it's FOREVER! Professor Margaret Hu (never heard of her) is all dramatic saying it's a 'disaster for data privacy'. I say what isn't a disaster these days? She wants the government to step in. Pfft as if they're any better. 'Here comes the money!' Oh and California's telling people to destroy their spit samples. Too late darlings! The crazy is already out of the bottle! Mwahahaha!

National Security? More Like National Bore ity!

Oh and now they're blabbing about national security! The Pentagon warned the military about these DNA kits before. Like some goody two shoes is gonna use your DNA to launch a nuke? Maybe! Probably! Who knows?! Makes it way more exciting! Remember that little data breach they had last year? Only like seven million people got their insides exposed. No biggie! *Winks*. Now that they're broke it's even easier to steal. 'Surprise!'

Drug Companies? More Like Dope Companies!

So turns out 23andMe was selling your DNA to drug companies. No not the *fun* drug companies! The boring ones! Supposedly they're all sneaky about it stripping out your name and email. But Professor Hu's worried these 'privacy practices' might change. *Leans in conspiratorially*. What if these pharmaceutical companies try to oh I don't know... create an army of super soldiers with anger issues? Just a thought! *Grins maniacally*. The company claims they'll find a buyer who shares their 'privacy values'. Yeah right. That's like saying Silco wanted the best for Zaun.

Grandma's Gone Wild! (Well Deleted Her Account)

Some lady named Elaine Brockhaus (who?) and her family were all excited to learn about their family tree. Now they're all in a 'ruckus' 'cause their data might get sold to the highest bidder! 'We enjoyed some aspects of 23andMe,' she says. 'They continually refined and updated our heritage.' Blah blah blah! Whatever! Now they've all deleted their accounts. Too late gramps! The damage is done!

Cyberpocalypse Now! (Or Just Regular Tuesday)

Some 'cybersecurity expert' says 23andMe's data is 'incredibly valuable to cybercriminals'. Duh! They can use it for blackmail identity theft or even medical fraud! 'Organizations who go bankrupt should ensure the security and privacy of their customer's data is critical.' No duh! But other 'experts' (more like 'ex turds!') are all 'Don't worry your info's already out there!' Thanks for the vote of confidence folks! Linda Avey a co founder says they 'lost their way'. No way I thought they were gonna build a rocket ship to the moon. So basically it's a total crapshoot. Your DNA's probably gonna end up being used to sell you something stupid. Or maybe…something…awesome?! Hahaha!