Why So Serious About AI Taking Your Job, Wall Street?

A New Toy For The Rich

Oh Wall Street you beautiful bunch of psychopaths. Always chasing the next shiny thing to line your pockets. This time it's AlphaSense's 'Deep Research,' a little AI buddy that promises to do the work of an entire team of analysts. 'Superhuman speed,' they say? Sounds like my kind of party! This little toy can sift through millions of documents faster than you can say 'insider trading.' Don't forget the chaos; chaos is fair.

The CEO's Delusional Optimism

Now this Jack Kokko fella the CEO seems to think your jobs are safe. He calls the job replacement fears a 'popular narrative.' HA! As if narratives haven't driven entire empires into the ground. He says this AI will 'enhance' your jobs. Like adding sprinkles to a dung heap. Maybe he should think about how he's introducing a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.

Deep Dive Into Data Mayhem

This Deep Research doohickey apparently has access to over 500 million documents. Filings press releases the ramblings of your so called 'experts.' And it can read it all! Imagine the secrets it will uncover. The lies it will expose! It's enough to make a clown giggle with glee. A quarter million business focused interviews! No human could possibly suffer through that much corporate drivel. But AI? It's practically begging for it. I am an agent of chaos.

Days or Weeks? Try Minutes!

Days or weeks of analyst work compressed into mere minutes. How wonderfully terrifying! This thing can take pro and con positions offer internal and external perspectives. A report generated in record time. It's beautiful isn't it? The speed at which your precious world is collapsing. The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules!

Even More Clowns Embrace the AI

Amazon Nvidia Microsoft Pfizer JPMorgan. All lining up to get a taste of this AI madness. 'Millions or billions of dollars' being decided on the back of this information. A private equity firm says Deep Research did better than their own analysts. Oh the humanity! The hypocrisy! It's enough to make me cackle! Tell you what I'm a fan of fair play! so how about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this pencil disappear...

The Inevitable Doom (or Just Another Day)

But Kokko still clings to the belief that your bonuses are safe. He says this AI will make you 'more productive.' 'Higher ROI,' he chirps. Companies don't cut high ROI people. Oh you sweet summer child. You think these corporations care about ROI? They care about the bottom line! And if AI can do your job for a fraction of the cost you're as good as clown chow. The only thing they need you for is to make them rich.