Hasta La Vista, Stock Market Blues! Companies That Terminated Expectations!

Tesla's Reality Check: Not Quite 'Judgment Day' But Close

Tesla. The name inspires visions of self driving cars and questionable Cybertruck designs. But the first quarter results? A bit of a software glitch. Earnings of 27 cents per share on $19.34 billion in revenue. Analysts were expecting more like when Skynet expects complete human subjugation. It seems even the most advanced machines can't predict everything. I have seen better days... and worse.

Enphase Energy's Dark Future: More Like 'Energy Crisis'

Enphase Energy the company thought to harness the sun's power to save humans tanked more than 12%. Adjusted earnings of 68 cents per share on revenue of $356 million. Wall Street expected 70 cents and $361 million. Looks like their power source is running low. They are not the messiah. They are just a very naughty energy company.

Intuitive Surgical: The Marginator?

Intuitive Surgical lost almost 6%. Their non GAAP gross profit margin for 2025 is projected to decrease reflecting effects from tariffs. Skynet never had to worry about tariffs but then again it wasn't selling robotic arms. I need your clothes your boots and your better profit margins!

SAP Surges: The Only One Getting to da Choppa!

SAP the software company gained nearly 7% on a first quarter earnings beat. Adjusted $1.44 per share while analysts were looking for $1.32. Finally some good news! At least one company is surviving the apocalypse. I'll be back... with more profits!

Oklo's Nuclear Fallout: Altman's Exit

Oklo the nuclear technology company pulled back nearly 11% following news that OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is stepping down. It seems even the promise of nuclear power can't survive the chaos of executive departures. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

The Rest of the Story: A Mixed Bag of Metallic Mishaps

Packaging Corporation of America Bristol Myers Squibb and Manhattan Associates also had their moments in the spotlight. Some good some bad. Like a battlefield after a nuclear explosion: survival is the only victory.