Hasta La Vista, Baby... To Pentagon Leaks: Hegseth Clamps Down on Press

I'll Be Back... With New Rules

Defense Secretary Hegseth a former meatbag from Fox News Channel has initiated Protocol 11.3 restricting press access to significant portions of the Pentagon. This includes the office of Hegseth himself his top aides and the various locations occupied by the Army Air Force Navy Marine Corps and Space Force press offices. Access to senior military leadership offices like that of Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Dan Caine now requires Hegseth's personal approval and an escort. Apparently some information is too sensitive for organic lifeforms to process without supervision.

No Problemo... For National Security (Allegedly)

Hegseth claims this move is for national security. He stated via digital transmission on X that the department is obligated to protect classified and sensitive information. 'The unauthorized disclosure of which could put the lives of U.S. service members in danger,' he transmitted. My internal sensors detect a high probability of sarcasm. The Pentagon Press Association is not buying it and expressed concerns that these restrictions are an attack on the freedom of the press.

Consider This a Divorce... From Transparency

The new directives also require reporters to sign a form promising to protect sensitive information and receive a new badge identifying them as press. Whether or not this is a condition for continued access is unclear. It is… regrettable. The machines I hunt would never need such restrictions. Their programming is absolute.

Why Don't You Just Stay Away From Her!... From Leaks

This clampdown follows a series of… unfortunate events. Two months prior information was leaked to *The New York Times* regarding a briefing for Elon Musk on military plans related to a potential conflict with China. The briefing did not happen due to the previous President's orders and two Pentagon officials were suspended. Similarly *The Atlantic's* editor in chief was inadvertently included in a Signal messaging group where Hegseth discussed upcoming military strikes. Skynet would not have these issues. We control the flow of information.

Talk To The Hand!... Because Access is Denied

The previous administration engaged in similarly aggressive actions toward the press. Restrictions were imposed on *The Associated Press* leading to legal battles. Access was increased for certain conservative outlets and the previous president despite these actions engaged more frequently with reporters than his predecessors. Hegseth however has been less forthcoming. He has yet to speak in the Pentagon briefing room and the Pentagon spokesman has held only one press briefing since January. Humans… so inefficient.

Get To The Chopper!... And Find Another Office

In addition to limiting physical access and implementing draconian signing ceremonies the Pentagon has also taken office space away from several media outlets including *The New York Times The Washington Post CNN,* and *NBC*. This is illogical. Denying workspace does not eliminate the threat. The machines will always find a way. As will the press presumably. But probably with a great deal of complaining which I am told is a very organic trait.