What in Tarnation? Political Hullabaloo in Minnesota Makes Even This Ogre See Red!

SomeBODY Once Told Me...This Ain't No Fairytale!

Alright alright settle down you lily livered humans! Shrek here reporting live from... well not from Minnesota 'cause frankly it sounds like a right mess. Seems some fella named Vance Luther Boelter (sounds like a villain from one of those fancy knight movies) went and did a real number on some politicians. Word on the street is he offed Minnesota Democratic state Rep. Melissa Hortman and her hubby. Can you believe it? Makes you wanna shout "What in the name of Duloc is going on?!"

He Shoots He Scores...a One Way Ticket to the Slammer!

But hold your horses 'cause that's not the end of the story! Apparently this Boelter fella also took potshots at Democratic state Sen. John Hoffman and his missus. Lucky for them they're still kicking though I bet they're feeling about as cheery as Donkey after a long flight. Now I ain't one for politics but this whole thing smells worse than a dragon's breath after a chili cook off. "This is the thanks I get for rescuing you?"

Onion Layers of Evidence: Peeling Back the Truth!

The fuzz found Boelter's getaway jalopy out in Sibley County about an hour from Minneapolis. They're being tighter lipped than Pinocchio at a lie detector convention about what they found in the car but they say it's got to do with the case. Probably a whole bunch of angry letters and a half eaten sandwich. You know the usual villain kit. Makes you wonder what kinda swamp gas he was breathin'!

SWAT Team Tango: More Like a Shrek and Donkey Dance!

They say over a hundred law enforcement fellas and a bunch of SWAT teams were out there huntin' him down 'til late Sunday night. Imagine that a regular ogre sized manhunt! Makes you think "Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" Seriously though good on them for catching him before he could cause any more trouble. This Boelter character needs a good sit down preferably in a cell with bars thicker than my leg.

He Had a List! Sounds Like My Grocery List After a Dragon Visit!

Here's the kicker: they found a list on this fella of other folks he was plannin' on visiting. Seems like the whole state is on edge wonderin' if they're next. Minnesota Democratic Sen. Amy Klobuchar said everyone is scared! A list of names and 'other thoughts' how about that? I say that ain't right!

Even the Big Shots Are Talkin': Sounds Like a Royal Decree!

Now even President Trump weighed in sayin' this kind of violence won't be tolerated. Well no duh! Nobody likes a party pooper especially one who resorts to this kind of baloney. So there you have it folks. A real life ogre sized mess in Minnesota. Let's just hope they clean it up quick before it starts smellin' worse than my outhouse after taco night. I'm Shrek and remember "Ogres are like onions!" Even the stinky ones got layers.