Good News Everyone! Trump's Megabill Barely Squeaks By, May Cause Societal Implosion

A Megabill? Good News Everyone!

Good news everyone! It seems that the U.S. House of Representatives has been up to its usual shenanigans pushing through President Trump's 'megabill' with all the grace of a drunken Bender at a debutante ball. Apparently there was some… disagreement amongst the Republicans but our esteemed Speaker Mike Johnson and Trump himself managed to wrangle them into submission. Using… questionable tactics I'm sure. Backroom deals and promises of extra strength Geritol perhaps?

Barely Alive! The Senate's Near Death Experience

Now this bill has had a rougher journey than Zoidberg trying to find a decent meal. It barely squeaked through the Senate – and only by the skin of its teeth. And then Vice President JD Vance had to step in and cast the tie breaking vote. A tie breaker? In my day we settled things with a gentlemanly game of Blernsball! Now they are just a sad collection of atoms.

What Does It Actually Do? Oh My.

So what does this 'big beautiful' bill actually do? Well it extends those lovely tax cuts for the wealthy folks. You know the ones who clearly need it more than anyone else. And it slashes the social safety net. Apparently we've decided that being poor is a choice like choosing to wear Crocs in public. It also does something to renewable energy credits but frankly my brain is starting to leak out of my ears at this point. I'm already in my 170's I don't have time for this nonsense.

The Democrats' Lament: Woe Is Us!

Naturally the Democrats are having a conniption fit. They're saying that the bill disproportionately benefits the wealthy and that millions will lose their health insurance. 'The top 1% are salivating,' cries one representative. And Hakeem Jeffries is reading sad stories on the floor. Oh the humanity! Now where's my Slurm? I need something to wash down all this political drama. To shreds you say?

Debt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Ah yes debt. The Congressional Budget Office warns that this bill could add trillions to our already gargantuan debt. But the White House says they're wrong! It's all just partisan lies! Who to believe? Honestly I'm more concerned about whether Nibbler has been properly fed. He requires dark matter you know. Without it well... let's just say things could get messy. And don't even get me started on the budget.

Protectionism Ahoy! Tariffs Incoming!

As if all this weren't enough Trump is also pushing for 'reciprocal' tariffs on our trade partners. Which means… more money for me! No wait. Oh dear... the return of so called "reciprocal" tariffs on most major U.S. trade partners on July 9. This is developing news. Please check back for updates. Everyone should check back for updates or I will send my Smell O Scope to your home to smell you.