Good News Everyone! Trump and Walmart Engage in a Tariff Tango!

Wernstrom! A Presidential Pfft!

Good news everyone! I Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth have stumbled upon a most perplexing predicament. It appears that President… uh… what’s his name… the orange one… Trump! Yes that’s it! Anyway he’s had a bit of a kerfuffle with that retail behemoth Walmart. Apparently they’re blaming his tariffs for having to raise prices. As if *I* don't know a thing or two about planned obsolescence and market manipulation! Bah! To shreds you say?

Walmart's Woes: A Grocer's Gambit?

According to reports from… uh… *CNBC* (sounds like a disease!) Walmart’s CFO a fellow named Rainey (appropriate given the economic forecast) is wringing his hands about the speed and magnitude of these price increases. He claims they've never seen anything like it! Well *I* have! Back in '29 there was the Great Stock Market Crash and the financial system came crashing down due to overvaluation of assets and derivatives which I warned about but nobody listened. Now *that* was a challenging environment. This tariff business is just a blip! A teensy blip I say!

Tariffs: The Silent Killer of Cheap Stuff?

This Rainey fellow is moaning about tariffs on goods from China and even avocados and bananas from South America. He wants to keep prices low which I commend... but tariffs make that harder. It's like trying to invent the Smell O Scope while simultaneously being attacked by space bees! Difficult but not impossible… probably.

Trump's Truth Social Tirade!

Trump in his infinite… uh… wisdom took to Truth Social (which I assume is a new form of digital purgatory?) to berate Walmart. He thinks they should just 'eat the tariffs' and not charge customers a single penny! He'll be watching he says! Oh my! A thousand years from now and we still have this kind of nonsense! 'EAT THE TARIFFS'. I've heard stupider. As a matter of fact I said a lot of them!

A Retail Apocalypse... Or Just Another Tuesday?

Other retailers like Target and Home Depot are also expected to chime in. Shares of Walmart went up 2% on this news! What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here? Why am I not surprised? I don’t want to live on this planet anymore!

My Diagnosis: A Load of Barnacle Scrapings!

In conclusion this is all just a load of barnacle scrapings! Politicians blaming businesses businesses blaming politicians and the consumer gets stuck with the bill! It’s enough to make a scientist invent a doomsday device! Oh wait… I already did.