Good News Everyone! Trump Offers to Meddle in India-Pakistan Spat!

A Crisis Older Than My Lab Coat

Good news everyone! It seems that the ol' doomsday clock is ticking a little faster thanks to a bit of a kerfuffle between India and Pakistan. Apparently this whole Kashmir business is a touchy subject and tensions have escalated faster than Nibbler eating a box of dark matter. According to recent reports this all stems from some unpleasantness involving an Islamist terror attack which let me tell you is about as welcome as a Bender shaped suppository.

Trump to the Rescue (Maybe?)

Now who should step in to mediate this interstellar incident? None other than President Donald Trump. Yes the very same individual who probably thinks quantum entanglement is a fancy new hairdo. He claims he gets along with both countries 'very well,' which is about as believable as Zoidberg winning a Nobel Prize. But hey at least he offered to help. What's the worst that could happen? Aside from a global thermonuclear war of course. "If I can do anything to help I will be there," he declared. Oh dear oh dear...

Tit for Tat Tantrums

Apparently there's been a bit of a 'tit for tat' situation which is a fancy way of saying they're acting like children fighting over a toy. I haven't seen such childish behavior since Bender tried to steal Calculon's acting award. Trump wants the countries to 'stop' which I'm sure they hadn't considered until now. It's just like when I tell Zoidberg to 'stop' eating all the anchovies. Does it work? Of course not! But it makes me feel like I'm doing something.

A Massacre You Say?

Now adding fuel to this already blazing dumpster fire India is blaming Pakistan for the April 22 massacre of 26 civilians. Twenty six! That's almost as many interns I've accidentally vaporized with my latest invention. It appears that both countries want all of Kashmir which is a bit greedy if you ask me. Why can't they just share? Or better yet sell it to Amazon! Think of the Prime delivery possibilities!

Based on a Little Bit of the Past

Trump even implied that this whole mess was foreseeable based on 'a little bit of the past.' Well no doy! These countries have been at it longer than I've been complaining about the youth of today. It's like saying you knew Bender would cause trouble after giving him a six pack of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor. Some things are just inevitable.

Wernstrom!

In conclusion this whole situation is a recipe for disaster and I'm about as optimistic as Zoidberg at a lobster convention. Still maybe Trump can actually do some good. Or maybe he'll just make things worse. Either way it's going to be interesting to watch. And by 'interesting,' I mean 'terrifyingly fascinating like watching a dumpster fire fueled by dark matter.' Wernstrom!