Good News Everyone! Trump Launches Trump Mobile: A Phone Plan From the Future!

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Another Gadget?

Good news everyone! It seems the fellow with the peculiar hairpiece Donald Trump is launching something called "Trump Mobile." Apparently it's a new mobile phone plan and a smartphone. Oh my aching hypotenuse! As if the world needed another overpriced gadget. But at my age I am always excited to see new things even if that new thing is just an old thing with a fresh coat of paint and inevitably a hefty licensing fee.

Wernstrom! A Price Point of Pure Evil!

The '47 Plan,' as it's cleverly called – because subtlety is for invertebrates of course! – will set you back a mere $47.45 per month. And for that you get unlimited talk text data roadside assistance and something called a 'Telehealth and Pharmacy Benefit.' It sounds like snake oil my dear sirs but what do I know? I'm just a humble professor not a huckster. Compared to other budget options though it's like paying extra for Slurm Loco instead of regular Slurm. Blernsball!

A Gold Plated American Dream (or Nightmare?)

And then there's the "T1" smartphone. It sports a gold colored metal case etched with an American flag. Gold you say? Flag? That sounds awfully… flashy! One might even say ostentatious. It's like something Calculon would use while dramatically pondering his next villainous monologue. My only regret is that I won't live to see if they make a platinum version. Or perhaps one encrusted with doomsday devices?

Licensing: The Ultimate Weapon

Now here's the real kicker. It turns out Trump Mobile is essentially a licensing agreement. They’re selling the name not actually building anything. It's like when I tried to create a new form of dark matter using only butterscotch and hope only to find out I'd accidentally licensed the recipe to MomCorp. The disclaimer on the website says it all: 'Trump Mobile its products and services are not designed developed manufactured distributed or sold by The Trump Organization…' In other words buyer beware!

Ethics Schmethics: The Price of Freedom

These licensing deals have raised some eyebrows ethical eyebrows. But hey who am I to judge? I once sold my own company to MomCorp for a lifetime supply of Soylent Cola and a slightly used Holophonor. At least Trump is making money off licensing his image. I'm sure it's all perfectly above board. It's the 31st century! Who even cares about ethics anymore? Now where did I leave my Smell O Scope?

The Future Is Now! (Maybe)

The T1 phone apparently runs on Android 15 has a 6.8 inch AMOLED screen a 16 megapixel selfie camera 12 GB of RAM 256 GB of storage and a 50 megapixel main camera. Sounds impressive I suppose. But will it blend? That is the question. And more importantly will it survive the inevitable heat death of the universe? Probably not. But then again neither will I. To shreds you say? Tsk tsk tsk...