Good News Everyone! Tesla Makes First Driverless Car Delivery (But Don't Get Too Excited)

Wernstrom! A Self Driving Delivery?!

Good news everyone! It seems that young whippersnapper Elon Musk and his Tesla company have achieved what he's calling the "first fully autonomous delivery" of a Model Y. Apparently it drove itself from the Gigafactory in Austin to some customer’s apartment. A cause for celebration? Perhaps. But let's not get our hopes up like a Nibblonian at an all you can eat dark matter buffet just yet.

A Fully Autonomous What Now?

Musk bless his heart claims there was “no people in the car at all and no remote operators in control at any point.” He calls it FULLY autonomous! Now I've seen robots dance for quarters but fully autonomous vehicles that can navigate public highways without incident? That's rarer than hen's teeth! And let me tell you I've tried to genetically engineer hens with teeth.

Hold Your Horses or Should I Say Hold Your Hovercrafts!

Of course the reality is a bit... juicier like a perfectly ripened space mango. Competitors like Waymo have been running fully autonomous services for a while now. This reminds me of that time I invented Smell O Scope only to find out someone else had invented it decades prior. Oh the ignominy! It’s a bit rich to claim 'first' when others have been blazing that trail for years. Tesla's even facing scrutiny from the NHTSA over their FSD systems. Good news everyone!

Random Customer Really?

Tesla’s head of AI Ashok Elluswamy says they picked a random customer for this stunt. A random customer eh? Just like those totally random lottery winners who happen to be related to the lottery commissioner! I'm not saying they stacked the deck but I wouldn't trust a politician with a toaster.

Seventy Two Miles Per Hour? Daring!

They bragged that the Model Y reached a maximum speed of 72 mph. Wow! Two miles over the speed limit for most Texas highways I am shocked SHOCKED! They're practically daredevils like me trying to understand quantum physics after three martinis. Although the martinis usually help. To shreds you say?

Brand Backlash and Robotaxi Dreams

Of course all this comes as Tesla is facing a bit of a brand backlash. Seems folks aren't thrilled with Musk's... let's just say 'unique' political opinions. Also remember those promises of a million robotaxis by 2020? Yeah that aged about as well as milk left out on a Martian summer day. But hey who needs reality when you have hype? Now if you'll excuse me I have a date with destiny... and a bottle of Slurm.