Good News Everyone! Self-Employed Mortgages Aren't Doomed (Yet)!

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub I'm Self Employed and Need a House!

Oh good heavens! It seems even in this primitive 21st century the struggle is real! Applying for a mortgage when you're self employed is apparently harder than explaining quantum physics to Zoidberg. According to some whippersnapper named Keith Hall these 'mortgage brokers' (probably invented by some hairbrained scheme of MomCorp) are obsessed with seeing 'pay stubs.' Pay stubs! As if anyone who truly embraces the entrepreneurial spirit has time for such mundane things! But fear not my dears because even a mad scientist like myself can get a mortgage! Though the last time I tried to buy a house I accidentally created a black hole in the living room. Good news everyone! We'll get through this!

Who Are These 'Self Employed' You Speak Of?

Well aren't you a curious bunch? The 'self employed' are those brave souls who dare to forge their own paths free from the shackles of W 2 forms. We're talking sole proprietors independent contractors gig workers and anyone else who makes money without a 'real job'. Why back in my day we called them 'eccentric inventors' and usually avoided them! But apparently these days they want mortgages! And usually you will need to show you have been working independently for at least two years. Two years! A blink of an eye in the grand scheme of scientific progress but a lifetime for a bank to deem you trustworthy.

Documents Documents Everywhere!

Oh the bureaucracy! It never ends does it? Besides the usual nonsense like bank statements and identification (I once tried to use a picture of me with Calculon for ID didn't work) the self employed need to provide even more proof of their existence. Employment verification business financials tax returns for the past two years...it's enough to make a robot weep oil! You may as well try to prove you didn't invent the Smell O Scope!

Non QM Loans: The Loophole for the Unconventional!

Aha! A glimmer of hope in this financial wasteland! Apparently there are these things called 'non qualifying mortgages' (non QM). They're like the Planet Express delivery service of the mortgage world – they accept the weird and unusual! Bank statement loans profit and loss loans investor cash flow loans...it's a veritable smorgasbord of financial instruments designed for those of us who live outside the box. Although I still recommend keeping a box of doomsday devices just in case.

Boosting Your Chances of Approval (Without Inventing a Time Machine)

Alright listen up you freelancing fools! Here's how to trick those lenders into giving you money: First consider local lenders. They might be more familiar with your artisanal kombucha business (or whatever it is you do). Second make a larger down payment. Nothing says 'I'm responsible' like having a mountain of cash! Third boost your credit score! The higher the better. Fourth keep your business and personal assets separate. It is common knowledge! And finally if all else fails get a co signer. Just make sure it's someone you trust...and who doesn't mind being financially ruined if your business goes belly up!

Mortgage FAQs: Short and Sweet (Unlike My Lectures)

Can you get approved for a mortgage if you're self employed? Yes but it requires extra paperwork. How many years of self employment is required? Two years typically. Is it hard to get a home loan as a self employed person? Yes but non QM loans exist. There you have it! Now go forth and conquer the housing market! And remember if you need any scientific advice you know where to find me. Just don't touch the doomsday devices.