Good News Everyone! Kohl's CEO Fired for Romantic Entanglements!

A CEO's Ill Advised Romance

Good news everyone! It seems that Ashley Buchanan the CEO of Kohl's has been given the old heave ho! Why you ask? Well apparently he decided to engage in what Kohl's delicately terms 'highly unusual terms' with a vendor shall we say? A vendor he may have had a… personal connection with. Oh my yes! It's a tale as old as time or at least as old as last Thursday. And to think they say that love hurts. In this case it appears to have hurt his career! Mmm yes!

Strategic Missteps and Sagging Sales... Oh My!

Kohl's you see has been struggling. Sagging sales stiff competition from those infernal e commerce firms and those behemoths over at Walmart... It's enough to make an old professor reach for his suicide booth! This Buchanan fellow was meant to be the savior but it seems he was too busy engaging in… other activities to notice the ship was sinking. Now now let's not jump to conclusions! Perhaps he just had his priorities mixed up. After all a CEO's gotta do what a CEO's gotta do! Right?

A Quick Succession of Leaders

This makes the *third* CEO change in as many years! It's like a game of musical chairs except instead of chairs it's multi million dollar salaries and instead of music it's the sound of a company slowly bleeding money! I haven't seen this much turnover since I tried to recycle my lab assistants... which by the way is *not* recommended! Especially the robot ones! They tend to short circuit.

Stock Soars! (Relatively Speaking)

But here's the kicker! After the firing Kohl's stock *rose* by a whopping 8.4%! It's enough to make you think Wall Street has a thing for corporate drama. Of course it's still down 70% over the last year but hey progress is progress! It's like when I invented the Smell O Scope. Sure it mostly smelled like garbage but it also occasionally smelled like bacon! And that my friends is a win!

Forfeited Fortunes

And the consequences oh the consequences! Buchanan is forfeiting all those lovely stock awards including a cool $15 million in restricted stock. He also has to cough up $2.5 million of his signing bonus! It's enough to make a scientist weep... with schadenfreude! Remember folks crime doesn't pay. Unless you're a supervillain in which case it pays handsomely! But that's a story for another time...

Onwards and Upwards (Maybe?)

So what's next for Kohl's? They've appointed an interim CEO Michael Bender and are on the hunt for a permanent replacement. Will they find someone who can turn the ship around? Only time will tell! But one thing's for sure this old professor will be watching with bated breath... and maybe a bowl of popcorn. After all nothing's more entertaining than a good old fashioned corporate train wreck! To shreds you say? Well how is his wife holding up? To shreds you say...