Good News Everyone! Hot Chicken Chain Makes 19 Millionaires, CEO Says 'To Hell With The Investors!'

Wernstrom! A CEO With a Heart (and a Hot Chicken Franchise)

Good news everyone! It seems that some whippersnapper named Bill Phelps CEO of Dave's Hot Chicken – a business I assume involves chickens... and possibly lava – has decided to spread the wealth! Unlike those penny pinching investors who are always saying things like 'Professor you can't build a doomsday device out of solid gold!' Mr. Phelps is giving away money like it's going out of style. And it probably is what with inflation and all. Now where did I put my atomic penny stretcher?

Sweet Zombie Jesus! 19 New Millionaires!

Nineteen employees of this 'Dave's Hot Chicken' have become millionaires after a private equity firm acquired a stake in the company. Nineteen! That's almost enough to buy a decent used spaceship... or at least a lifetime supply of Slurm. Apparently this Phelps fellow intentionally created these millionaires. He probably used some kind of complicated algorithm. Why couldn't I have thought of that when I invented the Smell O Scope? All it did was let people smell what I was cooking... and that's usually not a good thing.

My God It's Full of Bonuses!

Every corporate employee store manager and assistant manager received a bonus roughly equivalent to their yearly salary. A yearly salary! Back in my day we were lucky to get a stale sandwich and a pat on the back. Of course that was usually from a robot... or Zoidberg. Still you have to admire a man who’s willing to compensate people fairly. Even if it does mean fewer resources for… uh… important scientific advancements.

I Don't Want to Live on This Planet Anymore... But Maybe I'll Stay for the Chicken!

Dave's Hot Chicken started with just $900! Imagine! That's less than the cost of a decent bottle of malt liquor these days. It just goes to show you that with a little ingenuity a lot of hard work and maybe a dash of good luck you can build something truly amazing. Or you know you could just invent a device that allows you to swap bodies with a celebrity. Either way the outcome is pretty much the same.

Good News Everyone! It's About Partnership!

Phelps sees his employees as “partners in this journey”. "I was told by one of my investors that I had no concept of what management compensation should look like," Phelps says with a chuckle. "And he's right because I don't look at them as management. I look at them as my partners in this journey and I compensate them as partners in the journey."

To Shreds You Say? This Is How It's Done!

Mark Cuban did something similar with Broadcast.com. This 'Cuban' fellow sounds like a clever one. Perhaps he'd be interested in investing in my latest invention: the What If Machine! It allows you to see alternate realities... some of which may involve you being rich and famous. Side effects may include existential dread temporal paradoxes and an insatiable craving for chicken fingers.