Good News Everyone! Diddy Grounded: Judge Says No Bail for Convicted Prostitution Pimp!

A Puff of Incarceration

Good news everyone! It seems that young Sean 'Diddy' Combs or 'Puff Daddy' as the youths call him is staying right where he is: behind bars. A judge in his infinite wisdom – and I use the term 'wisdom' loosely mind you – decided that Mr. Combs isn't quite ready to rejoin society. And by rejoin society I mean jet around the country on my dime transporting sex workers in private jets. The man is staying incarcerated pending sentencing for transportation to engage in prostitution charges. It appears he's been a naughty boy. Naughty naughty boy.

Flight Risk? More Like 'Fly' Risk!

Now the legal eagles are flapping their wings arguing over whether Mr. Combs is a flight risk. A flight risk? Why the man has more frequent flyer miles than Zoidberg has… well anything desirable! His lawyers bless their hearts wanted him out on a measly $1 million bond. A pittance! The prosecution however countered with the obvious: he's got the means and motive to vanish faster than a celebrity's career after a scandal. And let me tell you that's pretty darn fast!

Stoicism or Stupor?

Apparently Mr. Combs sat 'stoic' during the proceedings. Stoic my eye! I bet he was just trying to remember which private island he could bribe his way to first. He's been in the slammer since September. Nine months! That's nearly as long as it takes to deliver a human! Or in my case about how long it takes to invent a hat that makes you look like a cat.

The Jury's Still Out… On My Sanity!

The jury after what I'm sure were excruciating deliberations acquitted him of sex trafficking and racketeering. But wait the jury's still out... on my sanity anyway! They did however convict him on the prostitution related charges. So it's a mixed bag. Like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get and a lot of what you don't want including the old gummy chocolate and that weird one filled with orange peel!

The Verdict: A Blow to the Ol' Puff Daddy Image

This whole debacle has apparently tarnished his 'Puff Daddy' image. Shocking I know! Who would have thought flying people around for illicit purposes would be bad for public relations? I'd say his career is derailed just like the Planet Express ship after Bender gets behind the controls. His lawyers are calling the case an invasion of privacy. Ah privacy! Something only the rich can afford these days.

Cassie's Indelible Mark

Cassie Ventura his former girlfriend seems to have played a significant role with her testimony leaving an 'indelible mark.' Good for her! Perhaps this will be a warning to other celebrities or not... who am I kidding they'll probably just invent a new and creative way to get into trouble. I wish she has left as big of a mark as I did when I invented Smell o scope! No one appreciated it. No one at all. Bah! To shreds you say?