Good News Everyone! Christmas Saved (Maybe) Thanks to Temporary Tariff Cuts!

A Festive Fiasco Averted!

Good news everyone! It appears the world hasn't ended... yet! Those blithering idiots in Washington and Beijing have temporarily decided to stop throttling each other with tariffs at least for 90 days. Apparently it was about to ruin Christmas which as we all know is the only holiday that truly matters. Without Christmas where would we get our annual dose of consumerism induced cheer and overpriced eggnog? A whopping fifth of U.S. retail sales hinges on this pagan ritual so you can imagine my dismay when I heard it was in jeopardy. Bah! I almost had to start inventing coal for all the naughty children! And that's saying something since I have invented the Smell O Scope.

Ninety Days of Economic Reprieve!

Ryan Zhao some silk peddler over in China claims that these tariff cuts will "resolve most of the product shortages for the U.S. Christmas season." Ninety days you say? That's barely enough time to invent a decent doomsday device let alone fix the global economy. Still it's better than nothing. Though let's be honest I've seen more permanent solutions in a bowl of Jell O. Remember people a temporary solution is only temporary!

Father's Day? Back to School? Fuggedaboutit!

Of course this little reprieve only addresses Christmas. What about Father's Day? Back to school sales? Are we just going to ignore those? Typical short sightedness! As Cameron Johnson some know it all consultant points out there will still be added costs for tariffs and logistics so prices will still be going up overall. Good news everyone! Your wallets are still doomed!

Fentanyl and Frivolous Fees!

And let's not forget the real reason these tariffs were put in place to begin with: the fentanyl crisis. Apparently those darn Chinese are responsible for the addictive drug that's killing off our youth faster than my inventions. But of course money talks. The tariffs are still in place albeit a bit lighter so don't expect any drastic price reductions anytime soon. In other words: Wernstrom!

Running Shoes and Rising Prices!

Even Tony Post CEO of Topo Athletic (whatever that is) admits that they still had to raise prices to offset the tariff impact. So much for "cost reductions." I tell you these businesses will nickel and dime you to death! Why back in my day we could buy a perfectly good doomsday device for a nickel! Of course that was before inflation and the Robot Mafia got involved.

The Bottom Line: Still Doomed!

So what's the takeaway folks? Well Christmas might be saved (for now) but the global economy is still teetering on the brink of collapse. China's exports to the U.S. fell but they're still doing fine overall. And Goldman Sachs estimates that millions of Chinese jobs are tied to producing products for the U.S. So basically we're all doomed. Good news everyone! I need a nap.