Good News, Everyone! Bond Ladders Can Save Your Geriatric Hide From Stock Market Mayhem!

Wernstrom! Tariffs and Turmoil!

Oh my aching joints! It seems those darn tariffs are causing more trouble than a room full of monkeys with typewriters. Investors are in a tizzy bracing for more stock market volatility. And for those of you old enough to remember when a nickel could buy a newspaper AND a candy bar (that's me!) it's especially unnerving as we approach that great retirement home in the sky... or you know just plain retirement. But fear not my geriatric compadres! There's a strategy that might just keep your precious nest egg from becoming omelet sized.

A Bond Ladder to Climb Out of Financial Doom!

Apparently these 'bond ladders' are all the rage. It's like a regular ladder but instead of climbing to a roof you're climbing to... financial security? Or something equally boring. Anyway it involves allocating bonds with staggered maturities. As Alex Caswell some whippersnapper at Wealth Script Advisors says it provides 'emotional comfort and stability.' Emotional comfort! As if money can buy happiness. Although now that I think about it it can buy a lifetime supply of Slurm... Hmm I'm suddenly feeling very comforted.

Interest Rates? Bah! Humbug!

As each bond matures you can either spend the principal on gizmos and doohickies (my preferred method) or reinvest it into a new longer term bond. It's supposedly a good way to fight rising interest rates. But let's be honest who even understands interest rates? It's all just numbers and squiggly lines to me! But these 'experts' say it's also useful during periods of stock market volatility. So if you trust 'experts,' which I generally don't this might be worth a look. Just don't blame me if it all goes belly up. Good news it will probably be a tax write off.

Sequence of Returns Risk? Sounds Like a Bad Sci Fi Movie!

Now listen up because this is important. You don't want to go selling your assets when the stock market is down especially early in retirement. That's what they call the 'sequence of returns risk.' Apparently early withdrawals during market dips can stunt your long term portfolio. It's like trying to grow a Bonsai tree in a nuclear winter! Flexibility is key says Caswell. He recommends a bond ladder of Treasuries that mature every six months or one year for up to five years. You can also use certificates of deposit. It sounds complicated but trust me it's still easier than understanding Bender's dating habits.

TIPS for Your Golden Years!

And here's another brain buster for you: a 'TIPS ladder!' No not the kind of tips you give a robot bartender (though Bender appreciates those too). These are Treasury inflation protected securities or TIPS. They're backed by the U.S. government and can protect you from inflation. Amy Arnott some portfolio strategist at Morningstar says they can be attractive especially when you get a positive return. Which let's face it is a rare occurrence these days. But hey anything's better than ending up broke and living in a cardboard box... again.

To Sum It Up? Blernsball!

So there you have it. Bond ladders TIPS ladders and enough financial jargon to make your head spin. Is this future bright? I don't know! But at least now you have some tools to protect your retirement savings from the impending doom. And remember a fool and his money are soon parted! Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to invent a device that can predict the future... or at least make me a sandwich. Good news everyone!