Good News Everyone! Bank of America Does a U-Turn on Progressive Stock!

Sweet Zombie Jesus They Changed Their Minds!

Good news everyone! It seems those bean counters over at Bank of America have had a bit of a… 'moment.' They've decided to backpedal faster than Zoidberg fleeing a buffet upgrading Progressive (that's the insurance company not some futuristic ideology) back to 'buy' after downgrading it just three weeks ago! Three weeks! That's barely enough time for me to invent a decent doomsday device! And now they're expecting an 18% upside. To shreds you say? Well hopefully not our portfolios.

A Blip in the Space Time Continuum (or Just a Bad Call?)

Analyst Joshua Shanker (yes that's his real name I checked with the What If Machine) called the switch "an uncommonly short time to reverse a recommendation change." You don't say! It's like inventing the Smell O Scope and then realizing everyone just wants to smell farts. Apparently Progressive's stock took a nosedive underperforming the S&P 500. I always say a stock that dips that fast can only be explained by dark matter or… incompetence!

Market Share Gain? Good News!

Shanker also claims that Progressive is the "best operator within its niches." Which is a fancy way of saying they're good at what they do. They're so good they may as well have invented a kind of glue that also makes you trip balls. He says there's opportunity for market share gain and economies of scale growth. I'm not entirely sure what that means but it sounds like we might actually make money. Remember money? It's the green stuff that allows you to buy things like robot butlers and career chips.

Strong Q1 Results or Just Dumb Luck?

Apparently Progressive had its best March ever percentage wise. Now I don't know if this is because they sold a lot of insurance to people who crashed their hovercrafts or because they finally figured out how to target ads to Nibblonians but either way it's good news...Probably. The stock is already up 10% this year! Perhaps I should invest my entire retirement fund... What's the worst that could happen?

CNBC Pro LIVE? Sounds Like a Waste of Time!

And now a word from our sponsors! It seems CNBC is having some kind of exclusive in person event at the New York Stock Exchange. "Uncertain markets? Gain an edge!" they say. As if sitting in the same room as a bunch of financial analysts will suddenly grant you psychic powers! Frankly I'd rather spend my time inventing a hat that makes you invisible to telemarketers. But hey if you like networking and cocktails on the trading floor who am I to judge? Just don't blame me when your portfolio explodes.

Wernstrom!

In conclusion Bank of America's U turn on Progressive stock is either a stroke of genius or a sign of the impending apocalypse. Only time will tell. As for me I'm off to invent a device that can predict the stock market with 100% accuracy. What could possibly go wrong? Good news everyone!