Good News Everyone! Apple Pay Goes Kaput, Leaving Users in the Lurch!

A Dark Day for Shiny Devices!

Good news everyone! Or rather bad news for all you shiny device wielding Apple aficionados. It seems your precious fruit branded gadgets decided to take a siesta from their payment duties. Yes Apple Pay that marvel of future technology I always warned you about experienced some… shall we say… complications. As I always say 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore.'

3,000 Users Crying into Their iPhones!

Downdetector a website that tracks these sorts of digital hiccups reported a whopping 3,000 users experiencing problems with Apple Pay. Imagine the horror! People actually having to use… cash! The Neanderthals had it rough but not this rough! Apparently some also ran into issues with Apple Card and Apple Cash but those were resolved faster than you can say 'sweet zombie Jesus!'

Wallet and Apple Pay Last to Succumb!

According to Apple's own support site (which I assume wasn't malfunctioning as well) Wallet and Apple Pay were the last of the payment features to get back on their digital feet. One can only imagine the frantic engineers huddled around servers muttering incantations and possibly sacrificing an iPod or two to the tech gods. I’ve seen it all before you know. The Internet is not 'a big truck' it’s a series of tubes!

CNBC Attempts Contact: Is Apple Hiding Something?

CNBC in their journalistic wisdom has reached out to Apple for comment. Perhaps they'll blame it on sunspots. Or maybe just maybe they'll reveal some nefarious plot involving sentient toasters and a conspiracy to control all our digital transactions! Who knows? These things happen. 'When you do things right people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.'

My Prediction: The Future is Still Probably Doomed!

Now as a renowned (and modest) inventor and futurist I can't help but offer my professional opinion. This little Apple Pay snafu is but a harbinger of things to come! Relying too heavily on these digital baubles will only lead to societal collapse when the machines inevitably rise. Mark my words! As I always say 'To shreds you say?'

Good News Everyone! Back to Steam Powered Calculators!

So what's the solution? Simple! Abandon these unreliable electronic gizmos and embrace the superior technology of yesteryear! I'm talking steam powered calculators abacuses the size of small cars and perhaps even a good old fashioned slide rule! After all 'I'm already in my pajamas!'