Good News Everyone! Alibaba's Stock Takes a Tumble, But Cloud Computing Rises Like a Phoenix (Sort Of)

Oh Dear Not the Numbers!

Good news everyone! Or perhaps not so good depending on your definition of 'good.' Your old pal Professor Farnsworth here reporting on Alibaba's latest financial fumble. Their fiscal fourth quarter earnings missed expectations like I miss my youth – frequently and painfully. Shares plummeted faster than Nibbler devouring a box of dark matter. Revenue was a measly 236.5 billion Chinese yuan ($32.6 Billion) a far cry from the expected 237.2 billion yuan. And net income? A pitiful 12.4 billion yuan compared to the hoped for 24.7 billion. Sweet zombie Jesus! Did I just invent a time machine or is it rewind time for Alibaba?

The Silver Lining (Maybe)

Despite the dismal figures there's a glimmer of hope like finding a perfectly preserved anchovy in a dumpster. Revenue was up 7% year on year which isn't bad unless you were expecting hyper growth. And net income was a staggering 279% higher year on year albeit from a 'low base,' as they say. That's like saying my invention to make dogs smarter only worked on snails – technically true but utterly pointless. So they’re still here let’s hope they don’t go the way of Blockbuster. To shreds you say?

Trade Wars and Consumer Woes

Ah the dreaded 'macroeconomic volatility'! Turns out people aren't spending money like drunken sailors especially in China thanks to the ongoing trade shenanigans with Washington. Tariffs are flying around like angry Zoidbergs creating uncertainty faster than I can forget what I had for breakfast. Even though the tariff suspension has happened this month damage is already done. Uncertainty is the mother of invention… and bad sales numbers apparently.

Taobao and Tmall: Still Kicking (Sort Of)

Alibaba's core e commerce division Taobao and Tmall saw revenue rise 9% to 101.4 billion yuan. That's better than the previous quarter so at least something is going right. Customer management revenue is up 12% which is like discovering a new species of parasitic worm – profitable but slightly disturbing. They even partnered with some Instagram knock off to boost sales. Clever girl! But let’s hope this isn’t a sign of impending doom!

The AI Arms Race

Now for the really exciting stuff! Alibaba is diving headfirst into the artificial intelligence pool launching the latest version of its large language model Qwen 3 which powers their AI assistant Quark. The only downside which is great news to some is that this will take several years. AI competition in China is hotter than Bender's smelting plant. Tencent is throwing money at AI like I throw inventions at Fry – recklessly and with little regard for consequences. Eddie Wu Alibaba's CEO boasts about 'triple digit growth' in AI related revenue but refuses to give an exact number. Suspicious! It smells like those darn hipsters are trying to pull a fast one!

Cloud Computing: Rising from the Ashes!

But hold on there's more! Alibaba's cloud revenue is actually growing faster up 18% year on year to 30.1 billion yuan. Apparently this is driven by 'faster public cloud revenue growth' and 'increasing adoption of AI related products.' So while the rest of the company is floundering like a fish out of water the cloud division is soaring like... well like a slightly less floundering fish in a bigger puddle. This is good news everyone!