Good News, Everyone! AI 'Reasoning' Models May Be Dumber Than a Box of Slurm!

Sweet Zombie Jesus! Another Doomsday Device... I Mean AI Model!

Good news everyone! It seems those whippersnappers in Silicon Valley have been at it again churning out more 'reasoning' AI models. These things are supposed to be smarter than a chimpanzee in a zero G environment. The big players like OpenAI Anthropic Alphabet and even that sneaky DeepSeek are all touting their latest creations as the next big leap towards superintelligence. But are they really? Or is it just a load of hooey? My keen scientific mind has been put to the test!

The Illusion of Thinking? More Like the Illusion of Hope!

Well hold on to your hats! A bunch of eggheads over at Apple bless their cotton socks released a report titled 'The Illusion of Thinking.' Turns out these so called 'reasoning models' are about as good at solving real problems as Zoidberg is at stand up comedy! They might ace a few benchmark tests but when things get even remotely complicated their accuracy plummets faster than a professor trying to do the limbo. It appears they have the thinking power of a chimpanzee. And what's worse they can't 'generalize.' They're just memorizing patterns instead of actually... dare I say it... *thinking*!

Good Gravy! So They're Just Fancy Parrots?

As that young whippersnapper Ali Ghodsi from Databricks puts it these models are great at specific tasks but completely useless at common sense. It's like training a parrot to recite Shakespeare – impressive but it doesn't understand a word it's saying! A fundamental limitation? You don't say! I could've told them that over a nice game of Farnsworth Parabox!

Jagged Intelligence? Sounds Like My Last Colonoscopy!

And the bad news keeps coming! The boffins at Salesforce and Anthropic are also waving red flags. They're calling it 'jagged intelligence,' which sounds suspiciously like the results of my last colonoscopy. Apparently there's a 'significant gap' between what these models can do and what businesses actually need. So all that money poured into AI infrastructure stocks? It might just be a gigantic waste of time and money!

Great Caesar's Salad! Are We Doomed?

Even that slick Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang is starting to sweat! He's admitting that the amount of computing power needed for these 'agentic AI' and 'reasoning' systems is a hundred times more than they thought! A hundred times! That's like needing a million times more dark matter to move the planets...or is it? One of the two!

Could It Be a Conspiracy?

But hold on! Some pointy heads are suggesting that Apple bless their souls might be trying to divert attention because they're behind in the AI race. They had to delay their Siri updates and their big developer conference was a bit of a snoozefest in the AI department. As that fellow Daniel Newman from Futurum Group puts it Apple's paper might just be a case of 'Oops look over here we don't know exactly what we're doing.' So what does this all mean? Well I'm off to invent something useful like a hat that dispenses beer directly into your brain! To infinity... and beyond! Wait that's the wrong catchphrase! Drat!