BOY, Get Your Gold! Trump Accounts: A New Path to Wealth… Or Another Olympian Trick?

A New Beginning?

Hmph. The House has spoken passing this... "Trump Account" nonsense. A thousand drachmas—err dollars—for each whelp born between the coming years. They call it a gift. I call it… intriguing. Cruz that Texan godling speaks of 'miracles' and 'accumulating wealth.' Bah! Miracles are for the weak. Wealth is earned through the blood of your enemies… or in this case tax deferred compounding. Remember boy 'We must be better than this'. But is this better or just another empty promise from the Gods?

Olympian Schemes: How it Works

This "Trump Account" is not unlike those 529 plans. A tax break here a loophole there. Money grows untouched by the greedy hands of the tax man… until withdrawal. Then they demand their due. The Aesir's penchant for taxation rivals even Zeus's lust. Parents can throw in up to 5,000 coins each year betting on the rise of American stocks. A diversified fund they say. But diversification means nothing in the face of true chaos. Is this the same Chaos that I once wielded as the Ghost of Sparta? If so I want my cut of it.

The Labyrinth of Options

NerdWallet’s scribe Taube claims this isn't much different from a regular account. A UTMA a UGMA… enough acronyms to make even Mimir's head spin. All roads lead to the same destination: someone else profiting from your offspring’s potential. But understand this Boy 'Anger can be a useful tool'. Will your anger fuel these accounts or will these accounts fuel your anger when you find out they are useless?

529: The Proven Path?

These… "experts" tout the 529 plan. Thirty years of track record! As if time alone equates to worth. The College Savings Foundation bleats about 'tremendous benefits.' Yet they forget limitations chafe. Restrictions gall. But even I must admit this plan has its appeal. Especially now when unused funds can be rolled into a Roth IRA. Retirement! As if I would ever retire. 'I am what the Gods have made me!' and what they have made me is someone who cannot retire and must continue to fight!

Who Gets the Spoils?

All children they say get this boon. No income restrictions! Finally a prize for everyone not just the privileged few. But beware Boy. Such generosity often masks a darker purpose. These Trump Accounts are not exclusive they say. You can have both this and a 529 plan. Greed is a powerful motivator...but where does it end? 'The cycle ends here! We must be better than this!'

A Spartan's Advice

If you seek my counsel mortal tread carefully. These 'experts' advise talking to an advisor starting with the 529 plan. Bah! Advice is for the weak. But prudence… prudence is a weapon. Study your enemy—in this case the fine print—and choose your path wisely. Or don't. What do I care? Just don't come crying to me when the gods of finance come to collect. Now BOY! To the lake! We have monsters to slay and a tax deferred future to ponder.