Wall Street's Call of Duty: Rambo's Take on Today's Stock Market Bloodbath

Salesforce: They Live to Fight Another Day!

Bank of America is sticking with Salesforce eh? Says the earnings report wasn't a 'game changer.' Well what is a game changer these days? A nuclear blast? Probably. But they think Salesforce can still grab a piece of that $200 billion market. Fine. Let 'em fight. Just remember hope is a good thing maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies… unless it’s facing me in the jungle.

HP Inc.: Playing Tariff Dodgeball

JPMorgan's still riding with HP Inc. after their earnings. They're juking and jiving with price hikes and supply chain voodoo to offset those pesky tariffs. Sounds like they're in a real war zone. Remember what I said 'To survive a war you gotta become war.' HP better get meaner than a junkyard dog if they want to win this one.

AppLovin: The Black Box Lottery!

Citi's all hot and bothered about AppLovin thinks they'll get cozy with the S&P 500. They call it a 'black box'. I’ve seen black boxes. Usually full of things that go BOOM. And they think this black box will make money. Maybe it will maybe it won't. But remember nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off!

Tesla: Musk Ditches the Circus

Wedbush is still all in on Tesla now that Musk gave Trump White House the boot. Says it's 'music to the ears' of Tesla shareholders. Well I'll take the sound of a Huey any day. But hey if Musk is laser focused maybe Tesla will actually deliver on those self driving dreams. Though I wouldn't trust a machine to drive me anywhere... especially not through a jungle.

Aspen Aerogels: EV Dreams Going Up in Smoke?

Barclays is bailing on Aspen Aerogels seeing too much bad news. EV tax credits are fading GM's slowing down. Sounds like someone forgot to pack their survival kit. Barclays is slashing their expectations faster than I can clear a minefield. Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses and run.

Starbucks: The Latte is a Lie!

TD Cowen is dumping Starbucks to neutral worried about 'deteriorating value perceptions.' People think the coffee's too expensive? Well who can afford anything these days? Maybe they should try drinking motor oil. Gives you a real kick. But seriously if Starbucks can't figure out how to make a decent cup of joe at a decent price they're going down faster than a… well you get the idea.

Nvidia: From Pixels to Power!

Bank of America is doubling down on Nvidia jacking up their price target. They see Nvidia as more than just a graphics card slinger; they're in everything from gaming to cars. Sounds like they're trying to be everywhere at once. But remember 'Living for nothing is dying for something.' What are they living for?

Broadcom: AI and the Cyclical Rollercoaster!

Deutsche Bank is still hot for Broadcom loving their AI business and software integration. Says it's a 'unique combination of upside drivers.' Sounds like a fancy way of saying they're throwing everything at the wall and hoping something sticks. I prefer a good knife personally.

GE Aerospace: Up Up and Away!

Deutsche Bank is sending GE Aerospace soaring raising their price target sky high. They think GE will keep raising the bar. Well good for them. But remember even the highest flyers can come crashing down. Especially if I'm on the ground with a Stinger missile.

GE Vernova: Powering Down?

Jefferies is downgrading GE Vernova citing valuation. Says they see 'accelerating demand' but are worried about the price. Sounds like they're talking out of both sides of their mouths. Just like politicians.

Southwest: Taking Flight or Crash Landing?

Deutsche Bank is upgrading Southwest Airlines betting on shareholder returns. They think new management and initiatives will boost revenue. Maybe they will maybe they won't. But remember 'They drew first blood not me.' Southwest better not draw first blood with their customers.

Procter & Gamble: Cleaning Up?

Citi is sticking with Procter & Gamble seeing potential for growth in the US and China. Sounds like they're betting on soap and shampoo to save the world. Well stranger things have happened. Just don't ask me to use their products in the jungle. I prefer mud.

Claritev: Unknown

Piper Sandler upgrades Claritev to overweight from neutral

Cleveland Cliffs: Steel Yourself!

Jefferies is downgrading Cleveland Cliffs after the U.S. Steel deal. Says the outlook for steel is less positive. Well nothing's positive when you're facing a wall of bullets. But steel is steel. It bends but it doesn't break… unless I'm wielding it.

USA Rare Earth: Digging for Gold?

Roth MKM is initiating coverage on USA Rare Earth with a buy rating. They think the company is well positioned. Rare earth? Sounds like something you'd find in a hidden temple. I've seen those. Never ends well.

Salesforce: Double Tap!

RBC is downgrading Salesforce blaming the Informatica acquisition. Ouch. Sounds like someone stepped on a landmine. Salesforce better watch out or they'll end up like those VC soldiers all over the jungle.

Netflix: Binge or Bust!

Citi is raising its price target on Netflix but keeping a neutral rating. So they think it's worth more but they're not buying it? Makes sense. Just like saying you're not scared while walking through a haunted house.

Tenet Healthcare: Healing the Bottom Line?

Wells Fargo is upgrading Tenet Healthcare liking their growth strategy. Sounds like they're trying to revive a patient on the brink of death. Hopefully they know what they're doing. Because in the jungle there's no doctor.