TSA Finally Sees the Light: No More Barefoot Airport Shenanigans!

They Drew First Blood... With My Socks!

For years they made me take off my boots. MY BOOTS! Like some kind of… tourist. Secretary Noem says they’re changing the rules letting folks keep their shoes on. About time. I remember back in '06 these TSA guys fresh out of training telling me 'Shoes off sir.' I just stared at them. Didn't say a word. But in my head I was thinking 'You're messing with the wrong Vietnam vet son!'

Technology: Now You See It Now You Don't (But You Still Have Your Shoes)

Apparently their fancy gadgets can now see through leather and laces. Back in my day we used our eyes and instincts. Now it's all about the tech. Still I'm glad I can keep my boots on. These boots have seen things. They've walked through jungles deserts and… well let's just say they've earned the right to retire on my feet. As Noem said these improvements should maintain safety standards but my experience says otherwise.

World Cup? More Like World Boot Camp! (Not Anymore)

The World Cup's coming and they're expecting more bodies than a firefight. Can you imagine the lines if everyone had to take off their shoes? It'd be chaos! Like trying to sneak past a whole platoon of guards in the dark except with more crying babies and lost socks. The amount of extra security is insane. Now at least folks can keep moving and keep their dignity. Maybe.

Richard Reid: The Original Shoe in For Trouble

Remember that shoe bomber guy Reid? He's the reason we had to go barefoot in the first place. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch right? Well now maybe we can finally move on. He tried to light his shoes on fire... Now that's commitment.

Hospitality? They Call This Hospitality?

Noem’s talking about ‘hospitality.’ I’ve seen more hospitality in a Viet Cong prison camp! But hey at least they're trying. Maybe next they'll start offering foot massages at security checkpoints. I'd be willing to stay in the airport forever if they offered that kind of treatment!

Airlines Rejoice: Smooth Travel Ahead (Hopefully)

The airlines are happy. Of course they are. Fewer delays fewer angry customers. But don't think this means they're gonna start serving better peanuts. A ‘commonsense approach,’ they call it. Took them long enough. Now if you'll excuse me I have a pair of boots to polish. And a plane to catch. Just try and stop me from boarding.