Wall Street Freaks Out! Is the Market About to Explode?!

Target Down! Kaboom?

Okay people listen up! UBS – that's like a super important Wall Street place or whatever – just slashed their S&P 500 target. Apparently President Trump's tariff tantrum threw everything into CHAOS! David Lefkowitz some fancy pants at UBS is blaming those tariffs and cut their S&P 500 target to 5,800. That's like less exciting than a Powder sing along! Everyone's panicking but I say: More chaos more fun! Right? Right?!

Blame it on the Orange Haired Guy!

Lefkowitz is whining about how Trump surprised everyone with those 'aggressive tariffs.' 'Boo hoo,' I say! I love surprises! Especially when they involve explosions and shiny things. Apparently these tariffs are gonna make the economy all slow and boring which is *totally* against my personal brand. If the economy tanks I call dibs on looting Wall Street first!

No Growth?! Sounds Like a Snoozefest!

So because of all this tariff hullabaloo UBS lowered their earnings expectations. Apparently we're looking at like *zero* growth this year. Zero! You know what else has zero growth? A rock. And rocks are boring. Maybe I should paint some rockets on a rock and call it a day?

Wait There's Hope... Maybe?

But wait! Lefkowitz says things might get better in 2026. 2026?! That's like a million years from now! I'll probably have blown up Piltover five times over by then! Anyway he thinks the market might 'bounce' if Trump chills out with the tariffs. So basically we're all relying on some old guy with funny hair to not mess everything up. Great.

Time to Party?! (Or Panic?)

Lefkowitz also says there are signs of a potential rebound like everyone being super gloomy and the market being all wobbly. Apparently bad news can be good news? Makes as much sense as Vi trying to be a cop! So maybe we should all just buy a bunch of fireworks and wait for the inevitable explosion... I mean rebound!

CNBC Pro LIVE?! More Like CNBC Pro... Zzzzzz

Oh and apparently CNBC is having some fancy event at the New York Stock Exchange. They're calling it 'CNBC Pro LIVE.' Sounds boring. Like 'sit still and listen to old people talk' boring. They're promising 'expert insights' and 'networking opportunities.' I'd rather network with my shark grenades thank you very much! I will stay here and plot world domination!