Trump Sends a Suit to China! (Guess He's Out of Rockets)

Pow Pow Perdue Goes East!

So word on the street (or y'know from those boring newsy things) is Trump's just yeeted some dude named David Perdue all the way to China. Apparently he's supposed to be the 'U.S. Ambassador.' Sounds fancy. Trump was all like 'Go say hi to Xi!' I bet Perdue's wishing he brought a bigger boom boom.

Tariff Time! (Still No Chill)

Oh and get this! Trump's still playing the tariff game. Like seriously? Does he not realize that button does more than just make noise? Apparently not because he's saying he ain't backing down. All this talk about 'kick starting negotiations' is just blah blah blah when you've got your finger on the trigger am I right? It's like bringing Fishbones to a tea party... but way less fun!

Geneva Schmeneva! (Talks Talks Blah)

While Mr. Perdue gets acquainted with his new digs some other suits are off to Geneva for some 'high stakes talks.' Apparently the Treasury Secretary and some Trade Rep dude are gonna jaw jack with their Chinese counterparts. Honestly sounds like a snooze fest. They better have snacks. If these guys are trying to 'tamp down trade tensions' they should try more explosions and less talks. BOOM!

Wall Street Woes and Main Street Moans

Turns out Wall Street and Main Street are sweating bullets over this whole trade war thing. Figures. Everyone's all worried about the 'U.S. economy.' I say loosen up! A little chaos never hurt anyone... except maybe those boring business types. More boom = more money. I'm pretty sure that's how it works!

Perdue's Pledge (Loyalty or Lunacy?)

Perdue apparently said he's Trump's 'man in China.' Seriously? Does that mean he has to wear a tiny Trump wig? I hope so. I'd pay to see that! Either way sounds like he's ready to jump through hoops for the orange guy. Good luck with that buddy. You'll need it.

Deals? No Deals? Who Cares! (Kaboom!)

So will they reach any deals this weekend? Honestly who knows and who cares! The real question is will there be explosions? Will there be chaos? Will there be… FUN?! If not I'm out. Time for a real party… with rockets!