Intuit's Cash Cannon: Stocks Explode Like a Super Mega Death Rocket!

Kaboom! Shares Go BOOM!

Alright you Powder Monkeys! Jinx here reporting live from... well wherever I feel like because news is WAY more fun when it's spontaneous and chaotic! Word on the street (aka the financial district which sounds boring so let's call it Boomtown instead) is that Intuit's shares went KA POW! Like one of my rockets hitting the Piltover Treasury! Apparently they made a ton of cash like 'buy a hundred rockets' worth of cash! Turns out numbers can be fun if they lead to explosions! Who knew?

TurboTax and QuickBOOM!

So the nerds in suits over at Intuit – you know the ones who make TurboTax (for all you suckers who like following rules) and QuickBooks (for all you other suckers who like pretending to follow rules) – apparently they made a big pile of money. Like a seriously BIG pile! Revenue went up 15% and their net income? BOOM! Up 18%! Even their CEO Sasan Goodarzi (sounds like a target practice name to me) was all giddy about it. Said it's their fastest growth in like forever! Makes you wonder what they're hiding... or maybe they just need a visit from someone who knows how to... *ahem*... 'redistribute' wealth.

AI Agents? More Like Annoying Imps!

Apparently Intuit is all about 'artificial intelligence' now. They're bragging about AI agents and AI enabled experts. Sounds boring! And potentially flammable. I mean who needs AI when you have good old fashioned mayhem? But hey if these AI thingies can help me build bigger and better bombs I might be willing to reconsider my stance. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe! I'm flexible you know for a total agent of chaos!

Goldman Sachs Says 'Buy! ...or Else!'

Those fancy pants analysts over at Goldman Sachs (whoever they are) are all excited about Intuit. They're saying it's a 'rare asset' and that their AI plans will make them even richer. They even raised their price target to like a gazillion dollars (okay fine it was $860 but still!). Makes you wonder if they're getting a kickback... or if they just really like paying taxes. Either way sounds suspicious to me.

Deutsche Bank Joins the Party... Slowly

And Deutsche Bank (even their name sounds boring) is also on the Intuit bandwagon! They raised their price target too (to a slightly less gazillion y $815). They said Intuit's results were 'reassuring' whatever that means. Sounds like something a cop would say before arresting you for having too much fun! But hey if they're happy maybe they'll leave me alone to paint the town... literally.

The Fastest Organic Growth: Time for Fertilizer!

So Intuit's growing super fast. Good for them! Maybe they should use some of that money to fund my next art project which involves of course lots of explosions and possibly a giant robot. Because who needs boring financial reports when you can have a giant exploding robot? That's what I call progress! Now if you'll excuse me I have some new toys to test. Remember smile! You never know when I'm watching.