Health CEO Gets a Bang-Up Sendoff! (Oops, Did I Say That Out Loud?)

The Guy's Singing 'Not Guilty' (But My Gut Says Otherwise)

Okay so this Luigi dude – sounds like a plumber but whatever – is saying he didn't pop some health insurance CEO named Brian Thompson. Seriously? The guy was caught in Altoona Pennsylvania at a McDonald's! I mean come on! Even I wouldn't be caught dead in a McDonald's after a heist. Unless they had like a really good toy in the Happy Meal. And Altoona? That's practically next door isn't it? This is like Powder Puff level planning. Even I could have done better. And I kinda wanna meet this guy just to tell him he needs to up his game.

Death Penalty? Ooh Spicy!

So the big shots – the Justice Department or whatever – they're all huffy and puffy saying Luigi deserves the big sleep. They're saying he planned this whole thing like it was some kinda art project. “Ideologically motivated,” they call it. I call it…kinda impressive in a messed up way. Seriously though offing someone to prove a point? That's hardcore. Makes my little explosions look like firecrackers at a birthday party. 'Here comes the punishment!' As Fishbones would sing. I wonder if they'll let me watch? It'd be like educational... or just plain fun!

He Did It For the 'Gram (Or Something Like That)

Apparently Luigi wanted to send a message. He wanted the whole world to know he hated the health insurance industry. And like I get it. Who DOESN'T hate those guys? They're always sending me bills for stuff I didn't even know I needed! Maybe I should start taking notes. But the real joke is that the prosecutors are saying he's a danger because he MIGHT do it again to someone else. I say it just takes one to start the powder keg. Besides there are plenty of people who deserve it more.

Lawyers Arguing? Yawn!

Luigi's fancy pants lawyers are whining about how the Attorney General Pam Bondi (who even names their kid Pam?) is being unfair. They say she's making everyone hate Luigi before the trial even starts. Well duh! That's kinda the point isn't it? They want the judge to tell her to shut her yap. Good luck with that! Lawyers are all the same! 'Rules are made to be broken!' That's what I always say!

Judgey Judge Says 'Play Nice' (Yeah Right!)

The judge is being all serious telling everyone to keep their mouths shut so Luigi gets a fair trial. A fair trial? What's the fun in that? Where's the boom? Where's the excitement? Sounds boring. 'Questions questions that must never be answered!' Who cares about the law when there are things to blow up eh?

Breaking News? More Like Snoozing News!

This is it huh? This is what passes for 'breaking news' these days? Some dude offs another dude and everyone's all worked up about it. Wake me up when something REALLY interesting happens like...I don't know... when monkeys start flying out of my butt. Or better yet when I manage to paint the whole city pink. Now THAT would be news.