CHAOS COMING? Tariffs Threaten Your Loot, Says Jinx!

The Sky is Falling! (Probably Not)

Alright you beautiful maniacs! Jinx here reporting live from the front lines of... uh... finance? Apparently all these fancy schmancy companies like PayPal Block (whatever that is) and Affirm (sounds like a cult) are having a panic attack. Why? Because some dude named Trump wants to slap tariffs on everything! Tariffs schmarrifs! Sounds boring but apparently it means less stuff for us to buy and that's a problem. If I can't get my rockets cheap heads will roll! Seriously whose idea was it to mess with my shopping spree?!

Blame the Bird App!

So these tariffs are supposed to hit things from China the hardest. Things like... Temu and Shein? Never heard of 'em. Are they any good for building bombs? No? Then who cares! But apparently these apps are super popular and these tariffs are going to make things way more expensive. Someone is always trying to clip my wings eh! Wells Fargo (sounds like a bank from a cowboy movie) says PayPal is gonna get punched the hardest because like 90% of their money comes from us buying stuff. Looks like somebody gonna get nervous!

Stockpiles Go Boom!

Guess what? These companies are LOSING MONEY! PayPal's down Block is down and Affirm is... also down! Even more fun. The stock market is having a party too! Everyone's so worried about these tariffs that they're selling everything off. I say buy low blow it up and then blame someone else! That's how I roll! Though If I have to watch peoples balance sheet I may need another explosion for my brain to handle it.

Trump's Tariff Tantrum!

So Trump signed something that everyone flipped out about but then he said "Just kidding!" for 90 days. So everyone took a chill pill. But China's STILL getting hammered! They're getting a 145% Tariff! I think someone deserves an extra helping of bullets. And that number can go WAY HIGHER. Like the explosions I do on the bridge!

Google Knows Everything (Except How to Stop Tariffs)

Even Google is freaking out! Apparently these tariffs are going to mess with their ad business. It's a "slight headwind" whatever that means. At least someone is getting in on this action. I am sure there is something I can blow up in Zaun to even things out. If they're not immune how am I even gonna handle it?

Uncertainty = BOOM!

The thing is no one knows what's going to happen next! These companies can't even guess how much money they're going to make. Even Klarna and StubHub ran away screaming and delayed their IPO's! It's a total mess! Analysts are saying that these tariffs are going to hurt e commerce sales real bad. I say... bring on the chaos! I will give those IPO's a proper send off myself!