BOOM! Intuit's Profits Explode Like a Super Mega Death Rocket!

Pow Pow Profits!

Okay you primitive screwheads listen up! Intuit – yeah the boring tax people – just made a kaboom sized pile of cash! Their stock went up like one of my rockets after they blew away all those analyst goons with their earnings. Apparently doing taxes and managing money is the new 'cool.' Who knew? Maybe I should start a financial advice channel… nah blowing stuff up is way more fun.

Bigger Better Boomier Numbers

So get this: their revenue jumped 15% to $7.8 billion and their net income went up 18% to $2.82 billion! That's like enough to buy a lifetime supply of paint for Fishbones… and maybe a small country. Even that Goodarzi guy their CEO was bragging about how it's the fastest growth they've had in forever. 'Rules are made to be broken!'... and apparently so are financial records!

AI Agents? Sounds Like Fun Targets!

Apparently Intuit is all about AI now. They're calling themselves a 'one stop shop of AI agents.' Sounds like a challenge to me! Maybe I should introduce them to my version of AI… 'Anarchy Incarnate!' But seriously they think this AI stuff is going to make them even richer. Whatever floats their boat as long as it doesn't involve boring rules.

Goldman Sachs Jumps on the Mayhem Train!

Even those fancy Goldman Sachs types are getting in on the action! They're telling everyone to buy Intuit's stock and raised their price target. It's like watching a bunch of penguins try to fly… hilarious! They think Intuit's AI plans will make them even more money. I say let the chaos begin!

Deutsche Bank Dares to Dream… of More Cash!

And get this Deutsche Bank – those other suit wearing dudes – are also saying Intuit's going to keep growing. They said their results were 'reassuring.' Reassuring?! Where's the fun in that? I prefer things a little more… explosive! But hey if they wanna believe in boring predictable growth who am I to judge? (Okay I'm totally judging.)

Time to Cause Some More Chaos!

So there you have it folks! Intuit's making a killing everyone's betting on them and I'm just sitting here wondering when things are going to get interesting. Maybe I should pay them a visit and 'spice things up' a bit. After all 'Here comes Jinx!' …and chaos follows!