Blimey! Even Muggles Are Feeling the Pinch! Is the Economy Going Voldemort on Us?!

By George Even Microsoft's Feeling It!

Right gather 'round you lot! Harry Potter here reporting live from... well not Hogwarts sadly but the Muggle world is just as bewildering sometimes. Apparently this bloke called Trump (sounds like a particularly nasty spell gone wrong doesn't it?) has introduced these 'tariffs' – which I'm told aren't some kind of terrifying hairy beast like Fluffy but something to do with money and trade. Anyway Steve Ballmer who used to run a company called Microsoft (they make those glowing boxes Muggles stare at all day) is saying these tariffs are bad news. Even their stock which I assume is like Galleons in Gringotts is dropping! It's enough to make you mutter 'Merlin's beard!'

The Old Guard Weighs In: Gates Ballmer and Nadella... Oh My!

So Ballmer was yappin' to some Muggle news outlet sandwiched between Bill Gates who I am told is a legend among these Muggles and some other bloke named Nadella. Ballmer bless his cotton socks admitted his 'economics' knowledge came from college. “I took just enough economics in college — that tariffs are actually going to bring some turmoil”. Sounds a bit like Hermione trying to explain the intricacies of House Elf Rights doesn't it? You know it's important but your eyes start to glaze over after a minute or two.

Five Months of Decline?! That's Worse Than Snape's Potions Class!

And hold on to your broomsticks folks because it gets worse! Microsoft's stock is apparently on a downward spiral heading for its worst slump since 2009. 2009! That's practically ancient history even for me. It's like going back to the days when Voldemort was still a twinkle in someone's eye or when Umbridge was in charge of Hogwarts. Dark times indeed!

Glimmers of Hope Amidst the Gloom (and Azure Services)

Fear not dear readers! There's still a glimmer of hope. Microsoft despite the gloom is apparently doing well in 'cloud computing.' No it's not conjuring up Nimbus 2000s in the sky but something to do with servers and data. They also have a partnership with a startup called OpenAI which I can only assume trains owls to deliver messages faster than Errol ever could.

Ballmer's Rant: More Compute Needed!

Ballmer bless his enthusiastic heart also owns a Muggle sports team. This Ballmer bloke who sounds like he's drunk a bit too much Felix Felicis said citizens like stability and hopes individuals won't feel the impacts of these tariffs. I am not gonna probably have 50 more years on the planet he quips and says there's a bright future for computing storage and intelligence. Gates on the other hand has donated tons of money to some Muggle parties (I assume it is not Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop Party). So even he is feeling a bit down.

Global Recession? Sounds Worse Than a Dementor Attack!

But wait there’s more! Some Muggle economist reckons there's a 60% chance of a global recession if these tariffs happen. A recession! That sounds even worse than a Dementor attack. Makes you wonder if we should all invest in Gringotts before it's too late. Nadella said “Fifty years from now or 25 years from now what is the one thing you can be guaranteed of is the world needs more compute,”. Well that is all folks! Keep your wits about you and remember even in the darkest of times happiness can be found if one only remembers to turn on the light – or in this case maybe buy some Microsoft stock!