Wake Me When the Recession is Over!

Another Day Another War...of Tariffs?

Cortana remind me again why I’m writing about this? Oh right 'because you're the hero we deserve but not the one we need right now.' Apparently saving humanity from the Flood wasn't enough now I've gotta decipher economic doom and gloom. So JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon – sounds like a Covenant Cruiser name doesn't it? – reckons we're heading for a recession thanks to these 'Trump tariffs'. Reminds me of the time we faced the Covenant's energy shields. Except instead of plasma it's...paperwork? *shudders*

Dow Jones: More Like Dow n the Drain!

The article says something about stocks and bonds selling off like grunts fleeing a losing battle. Dow futures are off by over 800 points! That's worse than my golf score! Apparently China's slapping an 84% tariff on U.S. goods. Eighty four percent! Even the Gravemind wouldn't try to charge that much interest. Makes you wonder if they have some Forerunner tech we don't know about.

GDP: Going Down Faster Than a Banshee with a Fuel Rod Cannon

JPMorgan’s economists predict a 0.3% contraction in GDP this year. Cortana tells me that’s bad. Real bad. She also said something about 'quantitative easing' and 'fiscal policy'. Sounds like Covenant propaganda to me. All I know is if GDP goes down who’s gonna pay for my ammo? I'm not using Needler rounds if I can't afford it.

Dimon Flip Flops: Is He Friend or Foe?

So this Dimon guy used to support tariffs saying everyone should 'get over it' and a little inflation was worth it for national security. Now he's singing a different tune telling everyone to 'take a deep breath negotiate some trade deals'. Sounds like someone had a run in with a Hunter changed his mind real quick after that. Reminds me of Arbiter.

Senate Showdown: Confirmations and Conspiracies

Apparently Dimon wants the Senate to confirm some Fed Governor named Michelle Bowman as vice chair for supervision. Sounds like she’s in charge of keeping the economy from going all supernova. I hope she’s got a good energy shield because judging by the markets she’s gonna need it. Maybe she can borrow mine.

Final Thoughts: Stay Frosty…and Solvent

Look I'm just a soldier. I fight aliens. I blow things up. I occasionally drive Warthogs through tight spaces. But if even I can see the economy’s in trouble then you know it’s serious. So buckle up Spartans. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Just remember 'Never give up never surrender!' ...Unless you're talking about bad investments. Then maybe surrender.