Wake Me When the Bull Market Ends: S&P 500 Charging Towards Record Highs!

Another Day Another Near Extinction Event… For Bears

Cortana remind me to check my portfolio… again. Apparently the S&P 500 is just a Spartan sized leap away from a new record. And the Nasdaq 100? Already planted its flag on the peak. I've seen less determination in Grunts facing a plasma grenade. Someone should tell those bears to get some upgraded armor because this market's a banshee on full throttle.

Middle East Ceasefire: Trading Swords for Stocks?

So there's a chance of a ceasefire in the Middle East. Good. Maybe they can trade in their energy swords for… shares? According to some 'experts,' this could prevent a major oil supply disruption. I'm no economist but I know when a situation is volatile. 'I'm surprised by the magnitude of the rebound,' one 'expert' says. Surprised? I’m surrounded by Elites outnumbered and somehow still winning. That's surprising. This just sounds like a bunch of rookies trying to sound smart.

Trump's Trade Truce: Making Deals Not Plasma Burns

Trump backed off on some tariffs. Okay less intergalactic trade war more intergalactic trade peace. Apparently this is good for corporate consumer and investor anxiety. Who knew a little less economic firepower could make everyone feel so warm and fuzzy? Maybe the Covenant should have tried diplomacy instead of you know genocide. Less tariffs more trade deals... sounds like a plan even a Grunt could understand.

Corporate Earnings: Doing Better Than My Last Checkup

Corporate earnings are apparently holding up well. The S&P 500 earnings grew by 4.9%. That's… actually pretty good. Even I have trouble maintaining a 4.9 K/D ratio sometimes. "Deregulation tax cuts and lower short term borrowing rates should further bolster earnings." Fine but if I see one more penny stock ad I'm going to need a new plasma rifle.

Economy: Still Kicking Unlike Most Covenant

The U.S. economy is doing well apparently. Low unemployment and tariffs aren't affecting prices much. The Federal Reserve might even cut rates later this year. Sounds almost…stable. Which is precisely when you should expect a surprise attack. I’ll keep my BR ready.

AI: The Real MVP (Most Valuable Protocol)

Ah AI. The tech that's either going to save us all or turn us into paperclips. The AI story continues to be a market darling according to analysts. JPMorgan estimates that AI could drive $1 trillion of spending by 2030. I'm guessing that's enough to buy a few plasma rifles. Either way let's just hope the AI overlords appreciate my service record.